Yes, we're already singing that song! It's November 25, 2012, and the homestretch is in sight! Now, I'm not going to lie- I'm not cool as a cucumber- but I do feel the need to point out that my mental distress is not Da Soli the fault of Finals. I mean, in all honesty there is a lot more pressure on my grades this semester than there ever has been. I'm not in danger of failing any of my classes- I'm still pulling A's in all of them. But I am in danger of getting a B or two, and that will pull my 3.67 GPA down, and I need all the GPA I need if I'm gonna get assistance for the next school year (assistance that I will desperately need.)
Also, I was sponsored this year by a lady in the community and I know that she didn't pay for a B. Everything I've attempted to assimilate this semester is fixing to be drawn into question, and there will be tests demanding that I regurgitate the facts and theorems that I've been memorizing all semester. There's some small stress involved there.
But, past all that, there's a deeper fear. Yes, I think I termed it right when I said it like that. There's a fear in me; something that knows that even if I ace all my tests and presentations and final exams and fly through it all like a careless lark in the morning- the semester will be over. That time will have been invested, and isn't going to come back. Why does that bother me? Well, my sister is getting married and leaving very soon- actually, twenty-seven days and a wake up. After that, I'll only have one class to take, then I'll be graduated. Everything is coming to an edge at once: My career as a Community College student is ending next semester. And I'm supposed to know where I'm going. Of course, that means I'll have to decide by January and then invest in that decision. I'm looking at ECU right now- and they're very expensive.
That's another thing that is staring me in the face. My dad wants me to look at four year colleges to get my bachelor's degree- I agree, this is very important- but in all honesty, I can't afford JCC on my own dime. I can't actually afford to pay the electric bills at the house right now (not that I actually have to right at the moment, but they're talking about being in Thailand by December next year- which will put me end of Semester 1 at whatever college while paying for my gasoline to and from the house on the weekends and helping pay the electric bills and for groceries. I simply don't have the means for that, even if my books and tuition was payed for in full. I don't see how it's going to work.)
Everything is fixing to change in a very big way. I can't help but feel a little left out there.
I've had to do a lot of fast growing up in my life- about every time my family moved I'd have to grow up some very fast in order to get on with life and make new friends. I had to do some serious growing up when my dad was deployed to Iraq. But this time it'll be different. This won't be 'doing some growing up' this will actually be the big one. In the next year I'm going to actually have to grow up- like, become a mature, self sustaining adult in my own right. I will not be able to lean on mom and dad, because they won't be there. I won't have my sister to get second opinions from because she won't be there. I'll just be me at college, and me and my brother at home- and my brother, while he is amazing and a great hard worker, is not a profoundly awe inspiring leader. He's really excellent about doing what he is asked to do, but is not incredibly gifted in situational awareness and heading up things that need doing.
This time it's for keeps. This time it's going to be for real. And this time, I'm no less scared than I was last time. But this is a quiet, calm fear. I guess I'd be a bit daft if I wasn't.
We've had what will likely be our last thanksgiving as a whole family. We can't look forward to a last Christmas Trillian will be out by Christmas. I guess what I'm struggling with right now is fear, anxiety, and a small hit of depression. I've got so much going on, lol. ...And I swear, the next aunt that asks me "When's it going to be your turn?" is going to get stonewalled.
Also, I was sponsored this year by a lady in the community and I know that she didn't pay for a B. Everything I've attempted to assimilate this semester is fixing to be drawn into question, and there will be tests demanding that I regurgitate the facts and theorems that I've been memorizing all semester. There's some small stress involved there.
But, past all that, there's a deeper fear. Yes, I think I termed it right when I said it like that. There's a fear in me; something that knows that even if I ace all my tests and presentations and final exams and fly through it all like a careless lark in the morning- the semester will be over. That time will have been invested, and isn't going to come back. Why does that bother me? Well, my sister is getting married and leaving very soon- actually, twenty-seven days and a wake up. After that, I'll only have one class to take, then I'll be graduated. Everything is coming to an edge at once: My career as a Community College student is ending next semester. And I'm supposed to know where I'm going. Of course, that means I'll have to decide by January and then invest in that decision. I'm looking at ECU right now- and they're very expensive.
That's another thing that is staring me in the face. My dad wants me to look at four year colleges to get my bachelor's degree- I agree, this is very important- but in all honesty, I can't afford JCC on my own dime. I can't actually afford to pay the electric bills at the house right now (not that I actually have to right at the moment, but they're talking about being in Thailand by December next year- which will put me end of Semester 1 at whatever college while paying for my gasoline to and from the house on the weekends and helping pay the electric bills and for groceries. I simply don't have the means for that, even if my books and tuition was payed for in full. I don't see how it's going to work.)
Everything is fixing to change in a very big way. I can't help but feel a little left out there.
I've had to do a lot of fast growing up in my life- about every time my family moved I'd have to grow up some very fast in order to get on with life and make new friends. I had to do some serious growing up when my dad was deployed to Iraq. But this time it'll be different. This won't be 'doing some growing up' this will actually be the big one. In the next year I'm going to actually have to grow up- like, become a mature, self sustaining adult in my own right. I will not be able to lean on mom and dad, because they won't be there. I won't have my sister to get second opinions from because she won't be there. I'll just be me at college, and me and my brother at home- and my brother, while he is amazing and a great hard worker, is not a profoundly awe inspiring leader. He's really excellent about doing what he is asked to do, but is not incredibly gifted in situational awareness and heading up things that need doing.
This time it's for keeps. This time it's going to be for real. And this time, I'm no less scared than I was last time. But this is a quiet, calm fear. I guess I'd be a bit daft if I wasn't.
We've had what will likely be our last thanksgiving as a whole family. We can't look forward to a last Christmas Trillian will be out by Christmas. I guess what I'm struggling with right now is fear, anxiety, and a small hit of depression. I've got so much going on, lol. ...And I swear, the next aunt that asks me "When's it going to be your turn?" is going to get stonewalled.
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