Ah, home! How I missed you. My room with a closing door, my pillow, my four blankets, internet access, (and did I mention having a room with a closing door? Pretty psyched about that!)
We got home yesterday at about two o'clock- and promptly set about getting things put up and unpacked. That actually went pretty smoothly, no complaints. As soon as that was up, I took a quick shower to wash the travel out of my hair, then we started loading the van with things for the Bride and Groom's Reception at our home church. We rolled out to get that set up at about five-thirty.
That went over quite well, we had about fifty two people there from various social circles that we have. WAHE, JCHE, JCC, SEBTS, ABC, CBC, and HCBC. (And actually, other than ABC and CBC those are actually what most people call those groups.)
I informed a friend of mine that I was taking over the world and he reminded me that he couldn't let me do that. Go figure the Hero has to thwart my diabolical schemes. Drat. So I spent most of the evening watching him out of the corner of my eye and dodging invisible knives [as well as doling them out]. It was great fun- I really enjoyed myself. I hope I didn't weird him out too much. It was good stress relief, and good to just be a little goofy.
Me, Trillian and a handful of friends (who used to be with us in a Celtic singing group called "Wildflowers") sang our arrangement of 'Be Thou My Vision' -probably for the last time. Yeah, we've had a lot of firsts and a lot of lasts recently. It didn't occur to me until this morning that that when Trillian and Nate left it would most likely be the last time that I'd see Nate in person for the next couple years. It made me really sad- I mean, he fits in the family so well- and he's been around almost daily for the last week and a half. One of those people who step in and out seamlessly- just like he'd always been there and would always be there. And he will, but it'll be long distance. Him 'n Trillian both. Well, Trillian will be back for a couple weeks- but it won't be the same. Part of me wants this waiting season to be over so we can just figure out how to move on. The other part knows I still wouldn't be happy.
Trillian's been doing fine, I think. She's really happy- I can see that. She's so goofy and distracted anymore. Nate's a great guy too- and praise the Lord he's more on-task than Trillian is- they'd be completely lost without him. (Actually, Trillian got lost going to Smithfield the other day- and we've gone there at least three times a week for the past five years. They were headed toward Wilmington. goofy chick.) They didn't get lost today, they just called and said they made it to Ohio. They're
staying with his grandparents for a couple days, then heading to Nate's
family home in New York state. I do miss Trillian, but I'll be okay. I just don't quite know what to do with myself yet.
Actually, (moment of truth), I'm going to a Christmas party tonight with my Sunday school group. I know everyone who is going to be there, but I'm nervous somehow. I don't understand it- but I know why. It's because I'm going by myself. Jared's working, Trillian is up north, and the rest of my family is going to a movie tonight at the Howell, and I'm going to a Christmas party by myself. It's completely irrational that I should be nervous. It's completely unreasonable that I should want to stay home because of it. ...Actually, I'm stalling leaving for it now. I'm a wimp.
Dad's calling us to dinner, so I gotta go eat at the very least. Then I'll probably go. *sigh*
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
December 2012 Vacation
So a wedding is a really good excuse for planning a vacation, right? Well, that's what we did anyway.
My sister is officially Mrs. Nathaniel Skinner, and very happy. And Nathaniel Skinner now has significantly more family. He's pretty pleased too. Actually, we were going to see the Hobbit- but the Twin Cinema in Marion (where we're staying) doesn't open again until tomorrow. So we went on to point B- which was McDonalds for some free WiFi and a mocha. So I'm actually sitting across from the happy couple who are sitting on their computers chatting with people and updating Facebook marital statuses. Everything's been lovely. I feel like a great pressure has been lifted- no more stress about Trillian not stressing or about things coming together, or about meeting Nathaniel's family (Who were, by the by, absolutely delightful- every one of them!) All I have to worry about now is packing up my clothing and getting back to Zebulon in one piece. It's so nice!
The wedding was beautiful- but I might just be getting ahead of myself.
Let's see? What was my last post about? There's a picture griping about design flaws.... and another with a picture of PO boxes in Smithfield. And a picture of my wire Sculpture that I called "Imago Dei" then the one with me whining about my brother's attitude. Well, I suppose that puts me right back here, eh? I've been really stressed out over the past couple of months- and everything culminated in the last week or so. I've finally had done with finals, Christmas cantata's and Christmas dinners, Christmas and weddings and wedding dinners and drama and stuff.
Basically, we finished the christmas cantata and we packed up and mom, Trillian and I headed toward Marion NC. Five hour drive; I don't recall much from it. Mom napped in the back of the car, I rode shotgun, I dumped coffee in my lap and soaked my phone- then didn't turn it off and I'm reaping the consequences for that choice. my keyboard isn't functioning well- it's about 60% right now, maybe worse (Yeah, the keyboard doesn't work at all anymore). We got to the mountains and got settled in the Mission House at Bethlehem Baptist Church- They let us use the mission house to stay in Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Free of charge. It was such a blessing! Mom, Trillian and I had 'debriefing' or 'After Action Reports' every night to discuss what we did and go over what we wanted to do the next day. It was delightful. Those were probably what saved my life while we were there- it was so nice knowing what we were about the next day.
We also had Sean Eoin- and that didn't really help a lot. See, he wanted to have a long heartfelt discussion about why He and I would never be an item. I had told him more then twice online that I simply wasn't interested- but he wanted me to tell him in person I suppose. Like he could change my mind, or thought I as lying, or as if I couldn't tell him to his face, or would change my mind. Rather manipulative, and I shouldn't have agreed to it. I've been a lot harder on him recently, holding him at arms length. I actually just updated my facebook and google relationship status to "single" just now. I think he caught the hint. I think I hurt his ego, but that's fine because his ego isn't my responsibility. (He'll be okay.)
Anyway, Sean was mopy and using a lot of loosely veiled manipulative phrases... I mean, for instance, when I got irritated and snapped at him he said something about how he wished he could remember what he'd done to anger me. I, being who I am, wasn't going to play his little pity party game, and so I gave him a small smile and told him sweetly that that wasn't what he meant by it, and I was going to call him on it. I told him that he hadn't stopped staring at me and wouldn't leave me alone and that he needed to leave me alone, give me some space, and stop whining. I mean, we so totally aren't an item- we so totally will NEVER be an item- and yet any time I'd comment about any other guy he'd be like "who's he?" as if he had to approve of everyone and I should not want to talk to anyone else. Like, I mentioned Josh Kellum once (who is a mutual friend), and I said something about the Youngs, and once I said I was looking froward to talking with one of the grooms men whose name was Colin about pottery and throwing techniques. Sean's reaction was to act slighted and hurt every time. That's a bit controlling. NOBODY has that much claim on my interactions. NO ONE. Not even my dad. Nobody has any business whining about who I spend my time with- And I wasn't even blowing sean off to hang out with said individuals! I only mentioned their NAMES. Seriously, he even got sullen and mopey when I admitted that I thought that Tom Hiddleston is adorable- and I wasn't even talking to him! I was talking to my mother for pete's sake! And still with the sullen reaction! Then, during the wedding while I was going about my bridesmaid's duties he would not quit staring at me, and while we were dancing after the wedding he was STILL staring at me all sullen (Which 'round here is called pitching a fit.) I just wanted to slap him- He's got no claim on me and if I want to talk to someone else or about someone else or mention that I think Loki is cute then I darn well will! I'm a Roper woman, and we're meaner than nails, and I don't need his permission to do anything! I mean, gawsh, He was clinging to my skirt-tail for four days straight. I was stressed out to begin with, then emotionally stretched to the limit, and having to deal with a whiny, sullen manipulator every time I turned around. I feel like I was within my rights to be a little short. Grrr!!!
This thing is dragging on a little bit I think. I'm sorry. It'll be okay- it's not like anyone reads it anyhow. (Which is sad, because my links are quite witty.)
Anyway. The wedding went well, I got to drive to Marion. That was on my bucket list- Drive in the mountains. I did too. It was so relaxing- and I really relished it. I might actually get to drive home later. We got to the depot to set up for the wedding at 6:30am and started work decorating immediately. I spent most of the time decorating avoiding Sean. I think he noticed, but December 22nd was Trillian and Nate day- not 'Cater-to-Sean' day, and (as mean as I am) I expect he will get over it. Anyhow, the ceremony was beautiful, the decorations were great, we had a great turn out. The bride was beautiful, the groom was smashing, the groomsmen were sharp and the brides maids were very trendy [if I do say so myself]. I imagine Trillian will update her blog about it shortly, so I'll link to their blog here.
After the wedding they went off, and I went off, and we went home and went to bed about 9pm. I literally slept like I was dead. When I woke up the next morning I was half on the bed, half in the floor- that is, I was in the bed, but I had an arm and a leg and my hair all hanging off the edge. I looked like I'd been slain. Got up, looked in the mirror and found I'd left my makeup on- which means my eyes looked sunk, and everything else was incredibly pale. Got cleaned up, got some coffee, and went to church at Bethlehem Baptist, which is basically out mountain home church. I got to talk to Josh Bingham (another guy I mentioned off hand that put Sean in 'rejection' mode) briefly. Last time we were in the mountains he was on furlough from ministry at a college in Chicago. He's moved on from there now, and is working with Campus Crusade in San Fransisco at present. Christmas morning we read out of our Gratitude journals, opened presents- I got the Avengers, but I knew I was getting that (we watched it again last night, it was great.) then we had lunch at nana's camp ground and talked with a couple out there for a while. Then we went to the Ruritan for dinner with the Ropers. I stayed in the kitchen with the aunts a lot- I really enjoyed that actually- I felt like I could be at rest with them. Around everyone else I felt like I had to maintain a stoic exterior, but I felt like I could stay on Aunt Penny's shoulder trying to not cry for hours.
Yeah, stress is gone, but so is Trillian. I'm a little emotionally thin right now. I don't feel like talking about it right now, so we'll leave it at this: I'm really tired, I'm really sad, but I'm also okay. I do need her, but I don't. I'm good.
I really should post this before it gets any longer... I'll not be able to post again for a couple days, but I will review this and flesh some stuff out later. Give more details and the like. -Til then.
..::|Espresso is Good|::..
My sister is officially Mrs. Nathaniel Skinner, and very happy. And Nathaniel Skinner now has significantly more family. He's pretty pleased too. Actually, we were going to see the Hobbit- but the Twin Cinema in Marion (where we're staying) doesn't open again until tomorrow. So we went on to point B- which was McDonalds for some free WiFi and a mocha. So I'm actually sitting across from the happy couple who are sitting on their computers chatting with people and updating Facebook marital statuses. Everything's been lovely. I feel like a great pressure has been lifted- no more stress about Trillian not stressing or about things coming together, or about meeting Nathaniel's family (Who were, by the by, absolutely delightful- every one of them!) All I have to worry about now is packing up my clothing and getting back to Zebulon in one piece. It's so nice!
The wedding was beautiful- but I might just be getting ahead of myself.
Let's see? What was my last post about? There's a picture griping about design flaws.... and another with a picture of PO boxes in Smithfield. And a picture of my wire Sculpture that I called "Imago Dei" then the one with me whining about my brother's attitude. Well, I suppose that puts me right back here, eh? I've been really stressed out over the past couple of months- and everything culminated in the last week or so. I've finally had done with finals, Christmas cantata's and Christmas dinners, Christmas and weddings and wedding dinners and drama and stuff.
Basically, we finished the christmas cantata and we packed up and mom, Trillian and I headed toward Marion NC. Five hour drive; I don't recall much from it. Mom napped in the back of the car, I rode shotgun, I dumped coffee in my lap and soaked my phone- then didn't turn it off and I'm reaping the consequences for that choice. my keyboard isn't functioning well- it's about 60% right now, maybe worse (Yeah, the keyboard doesn't work at all anymore). We got to the mountains and got settled in the Mission House at Bethlehem Baptist Church- They let us use the mission house to stay in Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Free of charge. It was such a blessing! Mom, Trillian and I had 'debriefing' or 'After Action Reports' every night to discuss what we did and go over what we wanted to do the next day. It was delightful. Those were probably what saved my life while we were there- it was so nice knowing what we were about the next day.
We also had Sean Eoin- and that didn't really help a lot. See, he wanted to have a long heartfelt discussion about why He and I would never be an item. I had told him more then twice online that I simply wasn't interested- but he wanted me to tell him in person I suppose. Like he could change my mind, or thought I as lying, or as if I couldn't tell him to his face, or would change my mind. Rather manipulative, and I shouldn't have agreed to it. I've been a lot harder on him recently, holding him at arms length. I actually just updated my facebook and google relationship status to "single" just now. I think he caught the hint. I think I hurt his ego, but that's fine because his ego isn't my responsibility. (He'll be okay.)
Anyway, Sean was mopy and using a lot of loosely veiled manipulative phrases... I mean, for instance, when I got irritated and snapped at him he said something about how he wished he could remember what he'd done to anger me. I, being who I am, wasn't going to play his little pity party game, and so I gave him a small smile and told him sweetly that that wasn't what he meant by it, and I was going to call him on it. I told him that he hadn't stopped staring at me and wouldn't leave me alone and that he needed to leave me alone, give me some space, and stop whining. I mean, we so totally aren't an item- we so totally will NEVER be an item- and yet any time I'd comment about any other guy he'd be like "who's he?" as if he had to approve of everyone and I should not want to talk to anyone else. Like, I mentioned Josh Kellum once (who is a mutual friend), and I said something about the Youngs, and once I said I was looking froward to talking with one of the grooms men whose name was Colin about pottery and throwing techniques. Sean's reaction was to act slighted and hurt every time. That's a bit controlling. NOBODY has that much claim on my interactions. NO ONE. Not even my dad. Nobody has any business whining about who I spend my time with- And I wasn't even blowing sean off to hang out with said individuals! I only mentioned their NAMES. Seriously, he even got sullen and mopey when I admitted that I thought that Tom Hiddleston is adorable- and I wasn't even talking to him! I was talking to my mother for pete's sake! And still with the sullen reaction! Then, during the wedding while I was going about my bridesmaid's duties he would not quit staring at me, and while we were dancing after the wedding he was STILL staring at me all sullen (Which 'round here is called pitching a fit.) I just wanted to slap him- He's got no claim on me and if I want to talk to someone else or about someone else or mention that I think Loki is cute then I darn well will! I'm a Roper woman, and we're meaner than nails, and I don't need his permission to do anything! I mean, gawsh, He was clinging to my skirt-tail for four days straight. I was stressed out to begin with, then emotionally stretched to the limit, and having to deal with a whiny, sullen manipulator every time I turned around. I feel like I was within my rights to be a little short. Grrr!!!
This thing is dragging on a little bit I think. I'm sorry. It'll be okay- it's not like anyone reads it anyhow. (Which is sad, because my links are quite witty.)
Anyway. The wedding went well, I got to drive to Marion. That was on my bucket list- Drive in the mountains. I did too. It was so relaxing- and I really relished it. I might actually get to drive home later. We got to the depot to set up for the wedding at 6:30am and started work decorating immediately. I spent most of the time decorating avoiding Sean. I think he noticed, but December 22nd was Trillian and Nate day- not 'Cater-to-Sean' day, and (as mean as I am) I expect he will get over it. Anyhow, the ceremony was beautiful, the decorations were great, we had a great turn out. The bride was beautiful, the groom was smashing, the groomsmen were sharp and the brides maids were very trendy [if I do say so myself]. I imagine Trillian will update her blog about it shortly, so I'll link to their blog here.
After the wedding they went off, and I went off, and we went home and went to bed about 9pm. I literally slept like I was dead. When I woke up the next morning I was half on the bed, half in the floor- that is, I was in the bed, but I had an arm and a leg and my hair all hanging off the edge. I looked like I'd been slain. Got up, looked in the mirror and found I'd left my makeup on- which means my eyes looked sunk, and everything else was incredibly pale. Got cleaned up, got some coffee, and went to church at Bethlehem Baptist, which is basically out mountain home church. I got to talk to Josh Bingham (another guy I mentioned off hand that put Sean in 'rejection' mode) briefly. Last time we were in the mountains he was on furlough from ministry at a college in Chicago. He's moved on from there now, and is working with Campus Crusade in San Fransisco at present. Christmas morning we read out of our Gratitude journals, opened presents- I got the Avengers, but I knew I was getting that (we watched it again last night, it was great.) then we had lunch at nana's camp ground and talked with a couple out there for a while. Then we went to the Ruritan for dinner with the Ropers. I stayed in the kitchen with the aunts a lot- I really enjoyed that actually- I felt like I could be at rest with them. Around everyone else I felt like I had to maintain a stoic exterior, but I felt like I could stay on Aunt Penny's shoulder trying to not cry for hours.
Yeah, stress is gone, but so is Trillian. I'm a little emotionally thin right now. I don't feel like talking about it right now, so we'll leave it at this: I'm really tired, I'm really sad, but I'm also okay. I do need her, but I don't. I'm good.
I really should post this before it gets any longer... I'll not be able to post again for a couple days, but I will review this and flesh some stuff out later. Give more details and the like. -Til then.
..::|Espresso is Good|::..
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
The Frustrations of a Typical Sunday
So, what is a typical Sunday? Basically, we go to church as a family, sit through the 8:30 service, split up for Sunday school, most of us stay for the first part of second service (on account of three of us being in the choir), and then head home to make lunch and clean up a bit around the house.
Well, one of us may or may not really hate church. And he tends to let us know about it. He also has entitlement issues- "I didn't make that mess, why do I have to clean it?" is one of his favorite chore time demands. Basically, someone doesn't like Sunday because he has to go to church with the family, be around people, interact with people who know his family (And are identifying him as one of the 'Ropers' *le gasp*), then come home and actually help clean up around the house. Needless to say, when you're the emperor of the universe and you're expected/forced to go someplace you don't want to go with people you don't like to act a part that you don't like acting, you tend to be torqued off by the general tilt of the world, and seek revenge against those who have annoyed you. And so, Sundays are always a lot of fun at the Roper house.
Trillian's really excited about getting married and moving in with Nathaniel- I can't blame her, really. I just wish that I had an end in sight... But I suppose if I did then I'd only live looking forward to that day. I mean, he's verbally and emotionally abusive, he's a narcissist, he generally hates everything and every one and anything he doesn't like is stupid- and a great many things are 'stupid'- it's alarming really. A typical Sunday is a very irritating, hurtful thing.
Maybe one day I won't have to deal with abusive relationships inside my own house... part of me hopes, the other part recognizes that I can't change people, and my mom is in a house with a manipulative abuser who she can't very well wish away. He doesn't want to be a part of our family, and part of me respects that and wishes he'd take the "freedom" that he wants. The other part knows I can't give up on him that easy. In movies- in stories- so many people pity the bad guy and see his strength and will as admirable traits. And they are, to a certain extent. But in the end, aren't they misused? In the end isn't the bad guy still the bad guy?
I'm a Loki fan-girl- but in the end isn't he still a manipulator? Isn't he still spiteful and narcissistic? Doesn't he still ignore the chances that he has for redemption in favor of a lonely passive-aggressive life? I mean, doesn't he pass up the chances that he has for forgiveness and reconciliation in favor of a life of isolation and hurt just so he can still say that he was wronged? It doesn't make sense. I don't get it when it's portrayed in movies, and I don't get it when I see it in my brother. Truthfully, we've never asked more of him than what is reasonably asked of a member of a family- but he still claims that he's treated like a slave. Yes, you're expected to do chores and help around the house and respect your mother and father and your siblings. Yes, you're required to act civilly, and you're required to complete your homework honestly so you can better yourself. Yes, you absolutely must manage your emotions in a way that hurts no one. But the same things are required of everyone else in the house. Yes, we fight- but we're family, and families do that. Yes, we usually end up ignoring your plaintiff cries- but firstly, your idea of how important your opinion is doesn't correlate with everyone else's idea of how important your opinion is. Second, you're a liar and don't mind bending the truth to make everyone else wrong. Third, you're far too literal, and you read way too much into other people's comments and actions. Fourth, you're dead set in your mind that we all hate you and drive you like our personal slaves. Fifth, you're not reasonable in any of your assumptions, accusations or attributions. If I don't want to hear what you have to say, it's because you're not being reasonable enough to actually give a fair picture of what's going on.
I honestly just want this over. But I also know I can't give up on him. Not yet. He's burned a lot of bridges, and when I am the Woman of my House he will only be welcome as a guest and for the stint that a guest is welcome- but no one will truthfully be able to say I burned the bridges or hid the paths. Perhaps I'll be the woman of the house elsewhere with someone else, perhaps I'll be woman of the house elsewhere with just me, perhaps I'll be woman of this house- but any way it rolls, I'm not the one launching attacks, he is, and I'm also the older and more responsible of us- which will mean that the house will be in my keeping, and I won't have someone destroying my home. It will not happen.
When mom and dad leave, if he doesn't change, he'd better be getting ready to move on campus or move out, I can't handle him- it isn't my job anyway, and if I'm to be completely honest I'm afraid of what he is capable of. He doesn't want me to handle him, and I don't want to. Unfortunately, I can't live with him either- he's made that impossible. I don't feel like I can. I feel defeated, hopeless.
All this to say- I know I have to endure through all this, but I really don't know how. I don't think I have the patience to get through this. I don't know if I was made to. No, that's not true- I know I was made to. I know God wouldn't bring me somewhere that I couldn't traverse. I feel far away from God right now. I feel lost and drained and tired. Hurt. Frantic. Afraid. But I know that He wants me to endure, grow, and thrive. ...but I don't feel like I can anymore. I don't remember what it was like to be free of care or unafraid. I don't remember what it was like to live in a place that wasn't a constant barrage of insults and attacks. I don't know how to put my sword down, and when it comes to it- I'm not completely sure I want to. I don't remember how to love and abide in God. I don't remember how to pray from the bottom of my heart. I feel so lonely...
Well, one of us may or may not really hate church. And he tends to let us know about it. He also has entitlement issues- "I didn't make that mess, why do I have to clean it?" is one of his favorite chore time demands. Basically, someone doesn't like Sunday because he has to go to church with the family, be around people, interact with people who know his family (And are identifying him as one of the 'Ropers' *le gasp*), then come home and actually help clean up around the house. Needless to say, when you're the emperor of the universe and you're expected/forced to go someplace you don't want to go with people you don't like to act a part that you don't like acting, you tend to be torqued off by the general tilt of the world, and seek revenge against those who have annoyed you. And so, Sundays are always a lot of fun at the Roper house.
Trillian's really excited about getting married and moving in with Nathaniel- I can't blame her, really. I just wish that I had an end in sight... But I suppose if I did then I'd only live looking forward to that day. I mean, he's verbally and emotionally abusive, he's a narcissist, he generally hates everything and every one and anything he doesn't like is stupid- and a great many things are 'stupid'- it's alarming really. A typical Sunday is a very irritating, hurtful thing.
Maybe one day I won't have to deal with abusive relationships inside my own house... part of me hopes, the other part recognizes that I can't change people, and my mom is in a house with a manipulative abuser who she can't very well wish away. He doesn't want to be a part of our family, and part of me respects that and wishes he'd take the "freedom" that he wants. The other part knows I can't give up on him that easy. In movies- in stories- so many people pity the bad guy and see his strength and will as admirable traits. And they are, to a certain extent. But in the end, aren't they misused? In the end isn't the bad guy still the bad guy?
I'm a Loki fan-girl- but in the end isn't he still a manipulator? Isn't he still spiteful and narcissistic? Doesn't he still ignore the chances that he has for redemption in favor of a lonely passive-aggressive life? I mean, doesn't he pass up the chances that he has for forgiveness and reconciliation in favor of a life of isolation and hurt just so he can still say that he was wronged? It doesn't make sense. I don't get it when it's portrayed in movies, and I don't get it when I see it in my brother. Truthfully, we've never asked more of him than what is reasonably asked of a member of a family- but he still claims that he's treated like a slave. Yes, you're expected to do chores and help around the house and respect your mother and father and your siblings. Yes, you're required to act civilly, and you're required to complete your homework honestly so you can better yourself. Yes, you absolutely must manage your emotions in a way that hurts no one. But the same things are required of everyone else in the house. Yes, we fight- but we're family, and families do that. Yes, we usually end up ignoring your plaintiff cries- but firstly, your idea of how important your opinion is doesn't correlate with everyone else's idea of how important your opinion is. Second, you're a liar and don't mind bending the truth to make everyone else wrong. Third, you're far too literal, and you read way too much into other people's comments and actions. Fourth, you're dead set in your mind that we all hate you and drive you like our personal slaves. Fifth, you're not reasonable in any of your assumptions, accusations or attributions. If I don't want to hear what you have to say, it's because you're not being reasonable enough to actually give a fair picture of what's going on.
I honestly just want this over. But I also know I can't give up on him. Not yet. He's burned a lot of bridges, and when I am the Woman of my House he will only be welcome as a guest and for the stint that a guest is welcome- but no one will truthfully be able to say I burned the bridges or hid the paths. Perhaps I'll be the woman of the house elsewhere with someone else, perhaps I'll be woman of the house elsewhere with just me, perhaps I'll be woman of this house- but any way it rolls, I'm not the one launching attacks, he is, and I'm also the older and more responsible of us- which will mean that the house will be in my keeping, and I won't have someone destroying my home. It will not happen.
When mom and dad leave, if he doesn't change, he'd better be getting ready to move on campus or move out, I can't handle him- it isn't my job anyway, and if I'm to be completely honest I'm afraid of what he is capable of. He doesn't want me to handle him, and I don't want to. Unfortunately, I can't live with him either- he's made that impossible. I don't feel like I can. I feel defeated, hopeless.
All this to say- I know I have to endure through all this, but I really don't know how. I don't think I have the patience to get through this. I don't know if I was made to. No, that's not true- I know I was made to. I know God wouldn't bring me somewhere that I couldn't traverse. I feel far away from God right now. I feel lost and drained and tired. Hurt. Frantic. Afraid. But I know that He wants me to endure, grow, and thrive. ...but I don't feel like I can anymore. I don't remember what it was like to be free of care or unafraid. I don't remember what it was like to live in a place that wasn't a constant barrage of insults and attacks. I don't know how to put my sword down, and when it comes to it- I'm not completely sure I want to. I don't remember how to love and abide in God. I don't remember how to pray from the bottom of my heart. I feel so lonely...
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Living on a List
I was writing a Facebook message to a lady friend of mine who had asked about my sister's wedding- and I realized something. One of the major frustrating issues I'm having with the wedding and with life in general is that no one is telling me what to do- and I really don't know what I should be doing. The lack of direction is maddening. I'm so used to knowing what to do or being able to find out with relative ease that the sheer 'by the seat of my pants' nature of this whole phase of life is driving me to insanity. The big issues that I don't have answers for are bothering me- like, they're driving out my desire to do the things that I know I should be doing. Mainly immediate things- like, I shouldn't be hoping to nail down my quirks and boarderline insanities by writing blog posts, I should be making lunch, changing out of my pajamas, washing my face, getting ready to go to the church for our Christmas cantata practice, etc. I just don't feel like it. All the disorder that my brain is trying to make sense of with the wedding and finals prep is taking too much of my energy; I can't work like this.
My schedule is crammed full of things I technically should be doing. At least I know what is expected of me in the christmas program... I more or less know what I should be doing in the wedding as well- but I've no idea how or when I should be doing these things. I live by a to-do/check off list, and my list is in shambles. I'm trying to balance school deadlines, wedding deadlines, christmas programs at church, family responsibilities, work, and issues with friends who don't have the sense [or simply haven't been told in simple enough terms] to see that I am having a hard enough time of this without having to tiptoe around their immensely delicate egos. One is worse than the other- one of the two friends is simply having self-worth issues and is a little bit fatalistic in his general day to day observations of his abilities and relationships- he's difficult to be around because he's so doom and gloom and I don't have the energy to bolster him every time he puts himself down. the other is doom and gloom about everything, and simply doesn't understand that when I tell him something, I mean it. He also likes to micro-manage things, and I can't micro-manage my own affairs, I don't want him to try to do so for me. Constant reminders that I don't know what is going on doesn't help my over-all mental health status. My most major 'Triss, you idiot' moment over the last week and a half has been sending him a screenshot of my calendar to illustrate the point of 'Dude, I seriously don't have time, and I'm really tired.' -all this illustration did was give him times and dates of all my high pressure tests and exams and deadlines for all the crazy things that I'm prepping for and let him know when I'm most likely to have five minutes at a computer [that he obviously believes I can spend devoted to him.] Major failing right there. I'm an idiot, and should have foreseen this- this will NEVER, NEVER happen again. EVER. I understand that it's his way of showing interest in my daily life and that the micro-managing of my schedule is his way of trying to help and show support, but it really isn't helping. And he's asking 'how are you doing? Judging by your posts, you seem to be doing pretty well.' Welcome to the world of Facebook. If there was ever a more shallow way to get an idea of how someone is doing, I've never heard of it. Alright, so I don't want to shriek my problems to the heights of heaven for the world to see and wonder 'What happened to her?' -That doesn't mean that everything is okay, and that's NOT the way to get a good idea of what's going on in the Life of Triss (This should be a TV Drama). Please don't try to translate my posts about coffee and aliens stealing and blingifying my phone as a statement that I'm on top of everything and everything is cake. The Cake is a Lie.
All of that is all well and good, I don't mind that he's interested in what I'm doing- but his ego is too fragile, and I don't want to make him feel bad by my general attitude and pent up emotions. Yes, I'm really happy for Trillian and Nate, I'm excited that I survived the semester, I'm happy that the cantata is coming, and I'm pleased with life in general- but I'm terrified of loosing my best friend, I'm concerned for my future schooling, I'm frustrated over my schedule and over everything that I'm not sure about, I'm sad that the year is fairly over, and I feel cheated that I don't get an 'Our Last Christmas' with my sister. All those emotions mixing in me is like a build up of pressure- and it often times shows itself not as the sadness that it really is, but as anger. And the one person who does seem to be interested simply doesn't have the emotional fortitude to let the explosion glance off and see behind it to the mess that is Triss right now- so I'm not talking to him. *sigh* I'll get this finished later... Trillian is telling me that we're going to be late for yet another thing that I'm supposed to be doing.... *sigh* Get me out of here.
My schedule is crammed full of things I technically should be doing. At least I know what is expected of me in the christmas program... I more or less know what I should be doing in the wedding as well- but I've no idea how or when I should be doing these things. I live by a to-do/check off list, and my list is in shambles. I'm trying to balance school deadlines, wedding deadlines, christmas programs at church, family responsibilities, work, and issues with friends who don't have the sense [or simply haven't been told in simple enough terms] to see that I am having a hard enough time of this without having to tiptoe around their immensely delicate egos. One is worse than the other- one of the two friends is simply having self-worth issues and is a little bit fatalistic in his general day to day observations of his abilities and relationships- he's difficult to be around because he's so doom and gloom and I don't have the energy to bolster him every time he puts himself down. the other is doom and gloom about everything, and simply doesn't understand that when I tell him something, I mean it. He also likes to micro-manage things, and I can't micro-manage my own affairs, I don't want him to try to do so for me. Constant reminders that I don't know what is going on doesn't help my over-all mental health status. My most major 'Triss, you idiot' moment over the last week and a half has been sending him a screenshot of my calendar to illustrate the point of 'Dude, I seriously don't have time, and I'm really tired.' -all this illustration did was give him times and dates of all my high pressure tests and exams and deadlines for all the crazy things that I'm prepping for and let him know when I'm most likely to have five minutes at a computer [that he obviously believes I can spend devoted to him.] Major failing right there. I'm an idiot, and should have foreseen this- this will NEVER, NEVER happen again. EVER. I understand that it's his way of showing interest in my daily life and that the micro-managing of my schedule is his way of trying to help and show support, but it really isn't helping. And he's asking 'how are you doing? Judging by your posts, you seem to be doing pretty well.' Welcome to the world of Facebook. If there was ever a more shallow way to get an idea of how someone is doing, I've never heard of it. Alright, so I don't want to shriek my problems to the heights of heaven for the world to see and wonder 'What happened to her?' -That doesn't mean that everything is okay, and that's NOT the way to get a good idea of what's going on in the Life of Triss (This should be a TV Drama). Please don't try to translate my posts about coffee and aliens stealing and blingifying my phone as a statement that I'm on top of everything and everything is cake. The Cake is a Lie.
All of that is all well and good, I don't mind that he's interested in what I'm doing- but his ego is too fragile, and I don't want to make him feel bad by my general attitude and pent up emotions. Yes, I'm really happy for Trillian and Nate, I'm excited that I survived the semester, I'm happy that the cantata is coming, and I'm pleased with life in general- but I'm terrified of loosing my best friend, I'm concerned for my future schooling, I'm frustrated over my schedule and over everything that I'm not sure about, I'm sad that the year is fairly over, and I feel cheated that I don't get an 'Our Last Christmas' with my sister. All those emotions mixing in me is like a build up of pressure- and it often times shows itself not as the sadness that it really is, but as anger. And the one person who does seem to be interested simply doesn't have the emotional fortitude to let the explosion glance off and see behind it to the mess that is Triss right now- so I'm not talking to him. *sigh* I'll get this finished later... Trillian is telling me that we're going to be late for yet another thing that I'm supposed to be doing.... *sigh* Get me out of here.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Additional Homework Will Be Annihilated.
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And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a wrap. Yes, it is a full week from GPA Ragnarok and the End of Semester- and I've completed all my homework that was due for the semester. I have a full week to procrastinate studying for Finals- And play minecraft while I'm doing it. That's right, I'm free to spend my time musing over the problem of Longitude in a world of cube shaped pixels if I so desire to. It's a heady feeling that hasn't quite set in yet- I've been going rather crazy with the whole 'school schedule' thing since I can last remember....
Recapping- This whole 'since I can last remember' thing started in Fall Semester 11. I took four classes that semester, and it was a normal semester, I was working and going to class and being a member of the family etc. All was well. Then Spring 12 I was working (Orchard House was sold to Melody, who renamed it Melody's) and work was [obviously] rather stressful because of all of that mess, and we lost our financial aid. I had intended to take Eng 112 over the summer, but wasn't able to because we had no money for it. So instead of taking that, I participated in the LEAP program over the summer- which started five days after Spring Classes ended. LEAP was incredibly intensive- there wasn't a textbook involved, but there were packets and handouts for everything. It was multi-part, multi-level, and comprehensive- but it took me from a 070 level to a 161 level in six weeks, so I am NOT going to complain. It was actually an idyllic time, I was rather autonomous. There was something about the dusty, vacant parking lots, the dry heat of the summer, and the sweet but heavy air (sweet thanks to the pine trees, heavy because of the pollen- also thanks to the pine trees) -then, of course, you step into the building and that shock of cold air reminds you how much you can actually sweat between the truck and the building. I was really organized too- all my packets were in my binder in order of when they should be turned in, by difficulty and date. Then we had our Accuplacer Exam- and I blew the top off it. I brought my score to the teacher and he just about died with joy. He actually set me up in a different room with some of the other students who hadn't taken it yet so I could help them figure out what they should study for. He's bragged on me often since then that I'm a natural teacher. That was a good day.
Of course, that day was also only five days before the begin of the Fall semester. This semester I've been working and taking three heavy book classes- Argument Based Research, Principles of Biology, and Survey of Math. My Argument's class is pretty much over. My team (which was absolutely the best group I've ever worked with) has already turned in our last two projects and given our presentation, so I'm home free in English- it's all over but the grading. Biology is going to be pretty cushy- I'm not going to lab Thursday, and next Tuesday is the actual final [which is open book/open note]. My Math class is fairly over as well- I've got the final concepts pretty down pat. It's a good sign when I can complete the assignments without looking at my book for help. It's been a crazy semester, but a really good one, even with the amount of reading I've been having to do. And now I don't have any homework at all.... And so, apparently, I blog.
There's looking back. Now, looking forward. I've got a few things that I really should be deciding on- but the amount of choices is simply overwhelming right now. I could go to App State, I could go to ECU, I could go to Liberty, I could go to South Eastern, I could get and internship at the Museum of Fine Arts, I could go to Thailand, I could take a Gap Year, I could check out Online Classes, I could take some CLEP tests. I could start getting into production Pottery. There's a ton of stuff I could do, and I really don't know how to make heads or tails of any of these decisions. So much of my focus and energy has been placed into just surviving to the next exam and getting my homework done for so long that I simply didn't have much time to focus on looking ahead to my next college, or next post, or not. Now it's all come at once and I'm finding myself overwhelmed and without a certain date to have my decision by. I'm indecisive as is, I suppose having so many options isn't very helpful.
Dad's actually given me permission to take a gap year if I need to- that'd be nice, honestly... It's a good feeling to have the pressure off. Oh well. I'm not going to worry about it very much- not today, anyway. Today I'm going to clean my sword, oil my helm, and fix my maile- and possibly find my tunic.
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