So, what is a typical Sunday? Basically, we go to church as a family, sit through the 8:30 service, split up for Sunday school, most of us stay for the first part of second service (on account of three of us being in the choir), and then head home to make lunch and clean up a bit around the house.
Well, one of us may or may not really hate church. And he tends to let us know about it. He also has entitlement issues- "I didn't make that mess, why do I have to clean it?" is one of his favorite chore time demands. Basically, someone doesn't like Sunday because he has to go to church with the family, be around people, interact with people who know his family (And are identifying him as one of the 'Ropers' *le gasp*), then come home and actually help clean up around the house. Needless to say, when you're the emperor of the universe and you're expected/forced to go someplace you don't want to go with people you don't like to act a part that you don't like acting, you tend to be torqued off by the general tilt of the world, and seek revenge against those who have annoyed you. And so, Sundays are always a lot of fun at the Roper house.
Trillian's really excited about getting married and moving in with Nathaniel- I can't blame her, really. I just wish that I had an end in sight... But I suppose if I did then I'd only live looking forward to that day. I mean, he's verbally and emotionally abusive, he's a narcissist, he generally hates everything and every one and anything he doesn't like is stupid- and a great many things are 'stupid'- it's alarming really. A typical Sunday is a very irritating, hurtful thing.
Maybe one day I won't have to deal with abusive relationships inside my own house... part of me hopes, the other part recognizes that I can't change people, and my mom is in a house with a manipulative abuser who she can't very well wish away. He doesn't want to be a part of our family, and part of me respects that and wishes he'd take the "freedom" that he wants. The other part knows I can't give up on him that easy. In movies- in stories- so many people pity the bad guy and see his strength and will as admirable traits. And they are, to a certain extent. But in the end, aren't they misused? In the end isn't the bad guy still the bad guy?
I'm a Loki fan-girl- but in the end isn't he still a manipulator? Isn't he still spiteful and narcissistic? Doesn't he still ignore the chances that he has for redemption in favor of a lonely passive-aggressive life? I mean, doesn't he pass up the chances that he has for forgiveness and reconciliation in favor of a life of isolation and hurt just so he can still say that he was wronged? It doesn't make sense. I don't get it when it's portrayed in movies, and I don't get it when I see it in my brother. Truthfully, we've never asked more of him than what is reasonably asked of a member of a family- but he still claims that he's treated like a slave. Yes, you're expected to do chores and help around the house and respect your mother and father and your siblings. Yes, you're required to act civilly, and you're required to complete your homework honestly so you can better yourself. Yes, you absolutely must manage your emotions in a way that hurts no one. But the same things are required of everyone else in the house. Yes, we fight- but we're family, and families do that. Yes, we usually end up ignoring your plaintiff cries- but firstly, your idea of how important your opinion is doesn't correlate with everyone else's idea of how important your opinion is. Second, you're a liar and don't mind bending the truth to make everyone else wrong. Third, you're far too literal, and you read way too much into other people's comments and actions. Fourth, you're dead set in your mind that we all hate you and drive you like our personal slaves. Fifth, you're not reasonable in any of your assumptions, accusations or attributions. If I don't want to hear what you have to say, it's because you're not being reasonable enough to actually give a fair picture of what's going on.
I honestly just want this over. But I also know I can't give up on him. Not yet. He's burned a lot of bridges, and when I am the Woman of my House he will only be welcome as a guest and for the stint that a guest is welcome- but no one will truthfully be able to say I burned the bridges or hid the paths. Perhaps I'll be the woman of the house elsewhere with someone else, perhaps I'll be woman of the house elsewhere with just me, perhaps I'll be woman of this house- but any way it rolls, I'm not the one launching attacks, he is, and I'm also the older and more responsible of us- which will mean that the house will be in my keeping, and I won't have someone destroying my home. It will not happen.
When mom and dad leave, if he doesn't change, he'd better be getting ready to move on campus or move out, I can't handle him- it isn't my job anyway, and if I'm to be completely honest I'm afraid of what he is capable of. He doesn't want me to handle him, and I don't want to. Unfortunately, I can't live with him either- he's made that impossible. I don't feel like I can. I feel defeated, hopeless.
All this to say- I know I have to endure through all this, but I really don't know how. I don't think I have the patience to get through this. I don't know if I was made to. No, that's not true- I know I was made to. I know God wouldn't bring me somewhere that I couldn't traverse. I feel far away from God right now. I feel lost and drained and tired. Hurt. Frantic. Afraid. But I know that He wants me to endure, grow, and thrive. ...but I don't feel like I can anymore. I don't remember what it was like to be free of care or unafraid. I don't remember what it was like to live in a place that wasn't a constant barrage of insults and attacks. I don't know how to put my sword down, and when it comes to it- I'm not completely sure I want to. I don't remember how to love and abide in God. I don't remember how to pray from the bottom of my heart. I feel so lonely...
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