I was writing a Facebook message to a lady friend of mine who had asked about my sister's wedding- and I realized something. One of the major frustrating issues I'm having with the wedding and with life in general is that no one is telling me what to do- and I really don't know what I should be doing. The lack of direction is maddening. I'm so used to knowing what to do or being able to find out with relative ease that the sheer 'by the seat of my pants' nature of this whole phase of life is driving me to insanity. The big issues that I don't have answers for are bothering me- like, they're driving out my desire to do the things that I know I should be doing. Mainly immediate things- like, I shouldn't be hoping to nail down my quirks and boarderline insanities by writing blog posts, I should be making lunch, changing out of my pajamas, washing my face, getting ready to go to the church for our Christmas cantata practice, etc. I just don't feel like it. All the disorder that my brain is trying to make sense of with the wedding and finals prep is taking too much of my energy; I can't work like this.
My schedule is crammed full of things I technically should be doing. At least I know what is expected of me in the christmas program... I more or less know what I should be doing in the wedding as well- but I've no idea how or when I should be doing these things. I live by a to-do/check off list, and my list is in shambles. I'm trying to balance school deadlines, wedding deadlines, christmas programs at church, family responsibilities, work, and issues with friends who don't have the sense [or simply haven't been told in simple enough terms] to see that I am having a hard enough time of this without having to tiptoe around their immensely delicate egos. One is worse than the other- one of the two friends is simply having self-worth issues and is a little bit fatalistic in his general day to day observations of his abilities and relationships- he's difficult to be around because he's so doom and gloom and I don't have the energy to bolster him every time he puts himself down. the other is doom and gloom about everything, and simply doesn't understand that when I tell him something, I mean it. He also likes to micro-manage things, and I can't micro-manage my own affairs, I don't want him to try to do so for me. Constant reminders that I don't know what is going on doesn't help my over-all mental health status. My most major 'Triss, you idiot' moment over the last week and a half has been sending him a screenshot of my calendar to illustrate the point of 'Dude, I seriously don't have time, and I'm really tired.' -all this illustration did was give him times and dates of all my high pressure tests and exams and deadlines for all the crazy things that I'm prepping for and let him know when I'm most likely to have five minutes at a computer [that he obviously believes I can spend devoted to him.] Major failing right there. I'm an idiot, and should have foreseen this- this will NEVER, NEVER happen again. EVER. I understand that it's his way of showing interest in my daily life and that the micro-managing of my schedule is his way of trying to help and show support, but it really isn't helping. And he's asking 'how are you doing? Judging by your posts, you seem to be doing pretty well.' Welcome to the world of Facebook. If there was ever a more shallow way to get an idea of how someone is doing, I've never heard of it. Alright, so I don't want to shriek my problems to the heights of heaven for the world to see and wonder 'What happened to her?' -That doesn't mean that everything is okay, and that's NOT the way to get a good idea of what's going on in the Life of Triss (This should be a TV Drama). Please don't try to translate my posts about coffee and aliens stealing and blingifying my phone as a statement that I'm on top of everything and everything is cake. The Cake is a Lie.
All of that is all well and good, I don't mind that he's interested in what I'm doing- but his ego is too fragile, and I don't want to make him feel bad by my general attitude and pent up emotions. Yes, I'm really happy for Trillian and Nate, I'm excited that I survived the semester, I'm happy that the cantata is coming, and I'm pleased with life in general- but I'm terrified of loosing my best friend, I'm concerned for my future schooling, I'm frustrated over my schedule and over everything that I'm not sure about, I'm sad that the year is fairly over, and I feel cheated that I don't get an 'Our Last Christmas' with my sister. All those emotions mixing in me is like a build up of pressure- and it often times shows itself not as the sadness that it really is, but as anger. And the one person who does seem to be interested simply doesn't have the emotional fortitude to let the explosion glance off and see behind it to the mess that is Triss right now- so I'm not talking to him. *sigh* I'll get this finished later... Trillian is telling me that we're going to be late for yet another thing that I'm supposed to be doing.... *sigh* Get me out of here.
My schedule is crammed full of things I technically should be doing. At least I know what is expected of me in the christmas program... I more or less know what I should be doing in the wedding as well- but I've no idea how or when I should be doing these things. I live by a to-do/check off list, and my list is in shambles. I'm trying to balance school deadlines, wedding deadlines, christmas programs at church, family responsibilities, work, and issues with friends who don't have the sense [or simply haven't been told in simple enough terms] to see that I am having a hard enough time of this without having to tiptoe around their immensely delicate egos. One is worse than the other- one of the two friends is simply having self-worth issues and is a little bit fatalistic in his general day to day observations of his abilities and relationships- he's difficult to be around because he's so doom and gloom and I don't have the energy to bolster him every time he puts himself down. the other is doom and gloom about everything, and simply doesn't understand that when I tell him something, I mean it. He also likes to micro-manage things, and I can't micro-manage my own affairs, I don't want him to try to do so for me. Constant reminders that I don't know what is going on doesn't help my over-all mental health status. My most major 'Triss, you idiot' moment over the last week and a half has been sending him a screenshot of my calendar to illustrate the point of 'Dude, I seriously don't have time, and I'm really tired.' -all this illustration did was give him times and dates of all my high pressure tests and exams and deadlines for all the crazy things that I'm prepping for and let him know when I'm most likely to have five minutes at a computer [that he obviously believes I can spend devoted to him.] Major failing right there. I'm an idiot, and should have foreseen this- this will NEVER, NEVER happen again. EVER. I understand that it's his way of showing interest in my daily life and that the micro-managing of my schedule is his way of trying to help and show support, but it really isn't helping. And he's asking 'how are you doing? Judging by your posts, you seem to be doing pretty well.' Welcome to the world of Facebook. If there was ever a more shallow way to get an idea of how someone is doing, I've never heard of it. Alright, so I don't want to shriek my problems to the heights of heaven for the world to see and wonder 'What happened to her?' -That doesn't mean that everything is okay, and that's NOT the way to get a good idea of what's going on in the Life of Triss (This should be a TV Drama). Please don't try to translate my posts about coffee and aliens stealing and blingifying my phone as a statement that I'm on top of everything and everything is cake. The Cake is a Lie.
All of that is all well and good, I don't mind that he's interested in what I'm doing- but his ego is too fragile, and I don't want to make him feel bad by my general attitude and pent up emotions. Yes, I'm really happy for Trillian and Nate, I'm excited that I survived the semester, I'm happy that the cantata is coming, and I'm pleased with life in general- but I'm terrified of loosing my best friend, I'm concerned for my future schooling, I'm frustrated over my schedule and over everything that I'm not sure about, I'm sad that the year is fairly over, and I feel cheated that I don't get an 'Our Last Christmas' with my sister. All those emotions mixing in me is like a build up of pressure- and it often times shows itself not as the sadness that it really is, but as anger. And the one person who does seem to be interested simply doesn't have the emotional fortitude to let the explosion glance off and see behind it to the mess that is Triss right now- so I'm not talking to him. *sigh* I'll get this finished later... Trillian is telling me that we're going to be late for yet another thing that I'm supposed to be doing.... *sigh* Get me out of here.
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