Make me trust you...

It's really, deeply, mind-blowingly amazing how Good god is, and how faithful he is to keep his promises. It's a dangerous thing when you surrender everything you are and everything you can be to God, and ask for nothing in return but the cry of "Make me trust you- I can't do it on my own."
Why is it dangerous? Because He will absolutely always honor that request. It's dangerous, but no man fears to kneel before the God that he loves. I fear His wrath. I fear my sinful nature and how that pulls us apart. I fear the consequences of my disobedience. I do not fear God randomly loosing his goodness. I trust Him. I know He won't do anything to injure me. I fear His Power, I fear the glory of His gaze. I fear to be in the presence of pure righteousness and holiness- because I am fallen. But I will never be afraid to run into my Father's arms and cry.
God has brought me out of one place, and it putting me in another place. This new place is terrifying, and I have no idea how I'm going to survive in it- But I trust God. God will bring me through this place, and He will make me shine as a light to the world. I want nothing so much as to be in God's Plan.
Now, I don't want this entry to be only vague ramblings, so I have to stop here and make a note of everything that has occurred. Trillian is leaving to go to California very, very soon. It's looking like the first week of February now, probably 11 days. Also, the call has come from Crossworld, and Mom and Dad are looking now at Mid to Late August to be in Thailand. This has several implications for me- They will be gone a lot between now and then. There are a lot of dates for me to remember.

I'm so afraid. I am reluctant even here on this edge. I'm on the cliff. This is where I prayed God would lead me to. This is the fight I asked God to give me and (by His grace; for His glory) He gave it to me. So here I am, in the refiners fire, my impurities being burned out of me, and my fears being chiseled away by the master sculptor. It's not my accident that I'm here now. It's not by chance that this call has come. This is a gift, and I absolutely cannot waste this chance. I asked for this, after all. God isn't going to give me something and not give me the tools to complete it. 

Time Inevitably Passes- So Change Comes

I went to a friends baby shower yesterday. It was a lovely gathering! A large number of the people there were the family of the happy parent's to be, and the rest were members of their church family. It was really heart-warming to look around and see so many people stepping up to help this young couple and offer advice- not the overbearing 'you know nothing' advice- but advice like "No matter what you do in your raising of this child: be consistent.", and "Love conquers all", and "When people give you advice, smile and nod, then do whatever you feel is most natural."
It was a beautiful shower, and a lot of good things were given and gladly received. There was even a really sweet slideshow of pictures from mommy and daddy's childhood days. And that was when it struck me- Guys, we're in college. We're adults.
It's one of those age old questions- When did you start thinking you were an adult? When did you believe you were an adult? When did you actually become an adult? The effect of the question is the same, just phrased differently. When did I become an adult? I mean, seriously now. I had a post a while back that said "This is gonna be it- I've got to figure out how to grow up for real and actually become an adult." Well, yes. I'm twenty years old, I have a job, college and responsibilities. My friends are all getting married and having babies or turning twenty-something. Even the guys that I gravitate more towards (The youth/highschool 'kids') are graduating and going to college.
Guys, we're in college. I'm Twenty. I'm almost Twenty-one. And what have I made of my life thus far? It's a haunting question. I've had the chance to do so much, I've had plenty of opportunities to reach out and reach in, become part of a team. I've not made as much as I could have. I've invested my time and passions poorly- I mean, really.
I'm a scared little kid at heart really- I don't rise to the challenge often. I don't make decisions well because I'm afraid of failure or afraid of the responsibility that leadership brings. I'm afraid of investment, and I'm afraid of looking foolish. I may be a social creature and not hesitant to talk to people, but I don't make friends easily- I don't hold people close to my heart often because I've always had to leave them and it's easier to hold them at arms length. Every once in a while someone sees more than a glimpse of my heart, but it's not often. Every once in a while I let someone close enough to see that God put a spark in my heart when he redeemed me from my sin. It struck an ember in my heart that is burning to burst into a passion that will completely consume me- I know it will. It will burn me up and change me at the chemical level, from clay to glass.
I'm weak and afraid and shy, but God brings out nothing but the best in me. When I've been afraid and seeking shelter, He put me out on the edge of a cliff and taught me to open my arms and fall. Fall into his grace and power and mercy. I think he's doing that again. I think he's blowing on the ember in my heart and it hurts. God is changing me again.
Yes, he is. These are the days my friends- These are the days of change. These are the days when we have no option but to let go of our fears and fall headlong into the ocean of God's sovereignty, trusting in him to take care of the course- knowing that God's plan succeeds or we will utterly fail, never to rise again. I have no option- I can't stay this way anymore- the flame in my heart is kindling and to stay in this place as if nothing had changed may well kill me.
These are the days that all my insecurities have got to be scattered to the wind, my fears be drowned, and I simply choose and try new things, let people get close. I accept responsibility and forsake my old ways. The creature I am is afraid and fallen, but I'm called to be bold. I'm supposed to look different. My heart is changing, and I so desperately want to be different. I so desperately need God- and for the first time I desperately, desperately, desperately want to be on the cliff looking down into the ocean. I want to be told "fall" and I want to toe the line and struggle against myself. I want to fight my insecurities and let myself fall into the arms of grace. I will not offer God that which cost me nothing.
Deuteronomy 2:2-3 - Then the LORD said unto me: "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north."
Isaiah 48: 18-19 - Forget the former things; Do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness, and streams in the waste land!

Beowulf

I've officially survived week one of classes- or, I've rolled through week one. It really didn't take that long. This semester is incredibly light- I only have 3 credit hours this time through, and it's a Brit Lit class! I've already read through Beowulf once for fun, I'll start it again for content tomorrow.
Beowulf is an interesting, fun read. I mean, I'd read it before, but this version is a lot more straight forward and fun than the one I found at the library or the one I have on kindle.
So, Fast version of the story. Long ago in Denmark there was a great king and leader whose name was Shield. He had four children, three sons and a daughter. One of Shield's sons was the king Hrothgar, who was a Danish Lord living in the great mead hall of Heorot. Heorot was the greatest, most joyful hall in the world, and there was always a bard singing and men drinking mead and gifts being given there. Well, there was a demon called Grendel who lived near by, and he could not stand the joyful sound that came from Heorot at night- so he came once the men had all made their beds and slew thirty of them at a go. Some he stuffed into a great bag made of dragon skin, some he devoured on the spot, some he tore to pieces and left to wet the stones. None that he struck down could be given a proper burial, and many were never seen again- but from the gore everyone knew they had been slain. Well, time passed, and every night Grendel would come and slay whomever he could find. There were a handful of valiant attempts to stop Grendel and answer him for the murders he'd committed, but no one had the strength to defeat him- so everyone who stood against him died. the good king Hrothgar didn't know what to do, and the hall that had once been so joyous turned empty, cold and fearful. Far across the waves the Geatish people, the Wulfings, heard of the trouble that had befallen Hrothgar and the golden hall of Heorot. After hearing these stories, the great warrior Beowulf begins to gather a group of warriors to go and rid the Danes of this demon. Beowulf and his companions sail to the land of the Danes and go request an audience with Hrothgar. When Hrothgar hears that Beowulf has come to help him, he's thrilled! So he greets Beowulf and his men joyfully and sets them down at the table with his own sons. Beowulf declares his intentions to defeat Grendel, and Hrothgar agrees that it's the best thing to do, saying that if Beowulf can defeat Grendel that he would be most richly rewarded. Hrothgar was a ring-giver, and gave very freely of his riches. So Beowulf and his men stay in Heorot that night, drinking their fill of Mead and waiting for Grendel to come. Beowulf and his men had fallen asleep when Grendel made his move. Before everyone could wake up and get their swords one man had already been messily slain, then Grendel looked around the room and saw Beowulf, so he attacked. Beowulf and Grendel grappled hand to hand for a while, moving hither and yon, smashing benches and breaking tables, fairly destroying the hall. the struggle was intense, and it soon went from Grendel trying to overpower Beowulf and tear him to pieces to Grendel struggling with all his might to get out of Beowulf's grip. He knew his days were numbered, but still he struggled. Then, with one more mighty jerk, Beowulf tore Grendel's arm, shoulder and all, off. Grendel, finding himself free from Beowulf's terrible grasp, fled pell-mell through the country side back to his mother's house in the bottom of the swamp, leaving a trail of gore behind him. Beowulf didn't follow- he knew that with the loss of his arm that Grendel would soon die an agonizing death, if not of shock then from the bloodloss that would occur. The men returned to their vigil, and in the morning Hrothgar came to see if anyone had survived. Beowulf presented the Ring-Giver with the arm of the murderer, Grendel, and as promised, Hrothgar gave beowulf and his men great gifts and they had a day of rejoicing and the hall was set for a great feast. It was the best feast in many a year, the first one that was had with no fear of the shadows of evening. The party lasted long into the night with the bards once again singing great lays and tales of great battles and great warriors. Beowulf was hailed as the greatest warrior on earth. Finally, everyone retired to their beds, unafraid because the demon was now dead. They were rather foolish, The danes and the geats had many rules regarding what was to happen if one was slain- a man price must be paid, or the murderer must die. It shouldn't have surprised them that Grendel's terrible mother would have been much grieved at her only child's death. And so, out of the marsh she came- grendel's mother, all robed in weeds and marsh rot, she slunk into Heorot and snatched up King Hrothgar's most loved adviser, Aeschere, and slew him. Then she fled, dragging the bleeding body of the king's friend out of the hall and through the village and forests, leaving a trail of destruction and gore all the way to her cursed abode. The next morning the King finds what had happened and is so grieved that he doesn't know what to do. Beowulf is sent for, and the King asks him to once again take up arms to defend the keep. Beowulf tells Hrothgar that it's better to avenge one's fallen friends than to mourn over them- so he and his men and a group of danes, including King Hrothgar himself, set out following the path of the terrible monster. As they approach the base of a cliff near the marsh they find Aeschere's head, which had been mauled and removed from his body. The danes are all heart sick and stricken with despair and fear. Well, Beowulf finally locates the black pond where the mother of Grendel lives, and without much ado- except to say "If I die, send the treasures that we were given to my father's house so they may see how bountiful the king of the dane's was and how favored we were!"- he jumps in the water and sinks for almost a full day. When he reaches the terrible house, he is greeted by grendel's vehement mother, who tries to strangle Beowulf like a boa. His armor saves him, and he takes a swing at her with his sword. The sword cannot penetrate her scales, so he throws it away and they set to grappling. they smash aroudn the room, destroying relics that she'd stolen and knocking piles of armor and treasures over. Grendel's mother overpowers Beowulf, and throws him to the ground, drawing a long, wicked dagger to saw his head from his shoulders, and she would have too, but his maile stopped the evil blade from accomplishing it's purpose. In a fit of rage, Grendel's mother throws beowulf like a ragdoll, deciding the choke him out with her bare hands. Beowulf finds a blessed sword in the wreckage near by, and he takes a mighty swing at the advancing foe- and chops her head off.
Above, on shore, the men were still patiently waiting for Beowulf or the monster to emerge. When Beowulf slew grendel's mother a great lot of blood issued forth and rose to the top of the water in a great bubble. Seeing it, the danes all thought that it meant that Beowulf had been slain- and so, struck with great despair and certain that there would be no dawn for the Danish people, the danes all left to die in Heorot that night. They thought for certain that the terrible mother of Grendel would meet them again that night and murder them all. The Geatish men, who came with Beowulf stayed by the pool. They had no hope for their leader, they were certain he was dead. But they stayed to see him again, though not alive. Under water, Beowulf was busy with the body of Grendel- he lopped off the deamon's head and stuck it on a spear. The acrid blood of the monster melted the blade of the sword, and only the hilt remained. So Beowulf took the hilt and the spear and head and swam back toward the surface. It took him a long time, and he was battered by creatures in the water- though when the blood of Grendel was dispersed in the water they all died. Finally, after what seemed like an age, Beowulf emerged from the water, carrying grendel's head with him. his men were overjoyed, and helped him loosen his armor. Then, joyfully, and with four men carrying grendel's head, they made a fast pace back toward Heorot where the men were all waiting for death. Beowulf and his men entered the hall as if they were the son's of the king- and Beowulf, still dripping and dirty from the battle, presented the king with the head of the monster. He was given a great many treasures, and great honor. Soon after, he returned home- but not before saying goodbye to King Hrothgar, who was greatly grieved at their parting- he knew that they would never meet again.
That is the first and second parts. I'm not going into the dragon- that would take forever.
Now, here's the thing. I love Beowulf! He was such a nice fellow- maybe not the most humble all the time, but he was definitely solid, and a good leader. It's probably rediculous, but my favorite mental picture of Beowulf is him walking back into Heorot after the bout with Grendel's Mother. Sopping wet, muddy, but grinning like a fool and all "Hey y'all- Didja wait dinner on me?"

Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus

This is the 7th of January- and today has been flatly awesome. I like, seriously have no words for everything that has happened today! We'll start off with the mundane and move to the miraculous, how about that?
So today was the first day of classes in the Spring Semester- my last semester for my Associates in Fine Arts - Art. Yes, I will [if God so wills] soon be a college grad! I'm so excited! But anyway. British Lit is the only class I have to take this semester, and we're starting off the semester in Beowulf! I'm so excited! I LOVE Beowulf!!! I really hadn't expected to get to do Beowulf, it seemed to good to be true. There's the mundane.
Now, Regarding the miraculous- I'm fully funded for my trip to East Asia! I can't but hardly believe it! I don't know why I'm so surprised- really, I don't. I knew God would come through- I KNEW IT! I always said it, I've been praying for it, I've been telling everyone "God will provide!" -but I never expected his providence to be so soon or so full and so sweet! I'd almost expected it to be a last minute rescue from the jaws of defeat on the 30th or the 31st of this month- not on the 7th!!! I'm completely floored! I mean, this is beyond everything that I'd ever expected! I prayed that God would provide, and while praying I told God that I knew he was going to completely blow my mind with the way he was going to provide- He's amazing at doing things that I didn't expect- and I totally didn't expect this! I've never felt so much like a daughter at a surprise party, whose dad just rolled out the best present ever! I mean, WOW! No way could I have done this. God is SO good.
This, of course, leads me to a different thought: It's easy to praise God when things are good- Would I still have praised Him if he didn't come through? Truth be told, I often have problems with just Praising God when times are good. It's a matter of surrender. When I said on the first that I surrendered again, I literally did. When I'm not surrendered I am actively hiding from God, I understand that. I think that's something that everyone does.
Will I praise Him in the bad times too? Will I praise him when it gets tough? Well, I hope so. I would be a horrible prophet- my foresight is pathetic. Right now, I think I could praise him in the bad times- because I'm already focused and ready. If I let myself get caught off guard it would be more difficult. If I go back to passive living it would be more difficult. ...But generally, over my life, it has been in the bad times that I've turned back to God, and so it's been in the bad times that I've praised him most. I'm pathetic, but that's the way I am. This is more surprising to me: that I correctly responded in my praise this time.
Trusting in Jesus is the sweetest of all things. He's good, and most worthy of praise.

Penguins, Post-it notes, Paperclips, World Domination

I totally went out to lunch with a friend today. It was totally awesome! ...Actually, I'm almost not sure how that happened- but I'm really glad it did.
So, over the last couple of days, a friend of mine named Dakota has been coming to the coffee shop while I've been working. It's been nice to be able to catch up and talk and enjoy good conversation. I kept getting tongue tied, but that's beside the point... kind of... Anyway- So the other day I got a text from his mom asking if he could call me (she said he was too shy to ask) and I said sure. Well, he showed up at the coffee shop and we chatted. I forgot to start my closing procedure on time, so it took me longer to close than usual... Melody noticed. She laughed at me and asked what his name was. I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about at first, then she said "The cute guy you were talking to all night, did ya get his number?" She was being serious, not mean. I blushed bright red and explained that he was a friend of mine, and his name was Dakota. Melody giggled and said she liked him. So Thursday dad is picking on me because "some guy called me and asked if it was alright if he asked my daughter out." Dad thought it was cute. I'm over here trying to keep my cool, and dad is picking on me, and I'm going "Dude, maybe he will ask me out."
Well, obviously he did. :D We found out that we are both completely indecisive. I'm cool with that. Just means we won't get anything accomplished unless it's very important. Basically, he showed up today and we went to Cracker barrel, I had a hard time figuring out how to eat a chicken BLT, we talked about school, and his summer job, and how I was planning on taking over the world with the assistance of a Penguin army and post-it notes (Yeah, Dakota is the friend who is the hero that is trying to foil my world domination schemes that was mentioned in a previous post)
After cracker barrel we went to Melody's and got coffees, then we went and walked on the Greenway for a while. :) I'm pleased to say that I've not scared him off yet, even talking about weaponry and marksmanship. I'm impressed. Most people decide that I'd be an excellent hit-man and walk off quietly hoping to escape notice. I mean, seriously, my sunday school class has decided I'm the most dangerous of the whole group. they're like "Woah- she likes shooting. Dangerous!" Dakota was more to the effect of "Okay, she likes shooting- she's got .22 federal shells in a hat. Interesting!" I don't think the swords scared him either. I'm impressed, really, I am. I feel like I can be goofy around him, but serious too. Some people I can't be serious around, some I can't be goofy around. I feel pretty safe with Dakota though. I don't think I scared him off with my goofy/nerdy/dangerous side (hope I didn't scare him off). ...so yeah, I had lunch with a friend. It was great! :) :D ...and I'm using Emoticons on my blog. I swore I'd never do that... but I can't think of a way to express this otherwise. *doh*

God's Way or Bust

So, what's up with the title? I just got the most profound news ever! It's not going to make sense without a little bit of background, so I'll give that to you first.
My last post was about the New year and the new thesis statement for my blog here. I said a great deal about remembering how sweet life was, and how sweet it was to be in God's will. I prayed on the last day of last year that God would make me trust him, that he would steal my heart back and make it his own. I prayed that he'd take me out of my comfort zone and change the way I thought, to put me in a hard situation so I had to lean on him so I could remember how. It's a dreadful prayer to pray. The way that shepherds would teach sheep to stay near them was by breaking their legs and carrying the sheep wherever they went. By the time the leg healed, the sheep would be so accustomed to the shepherd and so dependent on him that the sheep couldn't bear to be separated from the shepherd. As the sheep, I think I'd be okay with a broke leg- I finally came to the point where I realized that I needed him more than my mobility. So, surrendering life and limb to the one who had my best interests in mind, I prayed that God would put me in a hard place so I had no choice but to trust him.
Guess what? He answered. He answered in the sweetest way! I knew he would, I staked a lot on it.
I have known for a while that I'm called to some form of Missions work, but I've also been running from that call. Sunday I surrendered again, and Monday I prayed that God would show me what he wanted me to do and give me a way to do it. Yesterday night I got a text while I was coming home from work, a text that read 'Hey Tristany, J and I were wondering if you were at all interesting in going to East Asia with us in March? It's a ten day missions trip around easter- it's going to be about $1900 dollars.' Me? Go to East Asia? On mission? It's at once God putting me back where he wants me, and me going someplace I've always dreamed of going. I was uncertain at first, but it was too perfect for God to not have orchestrated it- So I said I was interested and tonight I went to the information meeting after church. I only just got home- and there is NO WAY I'm going to be able to do this on my own. For instance: the price is $1900- which is four hundred more than I've ever raised for missions- and I have to have it all in by February 1st. I have thirty days (more or less) to raise $1900 dollars. I've never heard of that happening that fast. I'm not sure how to even start raising funds- but I do know- I KNOW- that God is telling me that I'm supposed to go to East Asia, that this trip is My trip, and I've been called to go. So I am totally going, and God is totally going to provide. Trust God? I have to- there's no way this going to happen unless he does it. I don't even have time to send out support letters- those generally take a month to be effective [or they have in my case].
I don't know HOW God is going to do this, but I know he is going to do it. I'm prepared to wait until the very last day, I'm prepared to pray until the last moment. God ALWAYS comes through, and ALWAYS in his perfect time. So, I'm going to annoy all my facebook friends and tell them "I am going to East Asia! God just has to raise the funds!" And God will come through. He has to- I have no second plan. Either God will provide for this, or I will not go. If God really did say that I needed to go, and I believe He did, then he will provide. I have no idea how he's going to do it, but I know he will- and he will be glorified through it!

#Purplebuddy 2013

On September 16th of 2012 I started a personal blog. It was one of many, by no means the first- Actually, I had one under my real name [which I never kept up on], one under a pseudonym [which I did keep up on], and another that was a group project about a zombie apocalypse survival guide.
I started this blog for a couple reasons; though the main reason that I started it was because I needed someplace to put my thoughts in order and have them accessible from other areas- and I also said it was nice to imagine someone else listening. Well, new year, I suppose that means we're going to get a new purpose statement, (a new thesis?)
Yes, this blog shall no longer be about randomly putting thoughts down- though the thoughts will remain sparse and random. This blog shall hence-forth be a chronicle of my days, and a part of my family's web of Blogs to keep people update. Mom has a blog now, Trillian and Nate have a blog now, and adding mine to the trio we're going to have a way to keep up with people without demanding to be in real-time. This will be useful, as Trillian is soon going to be moved to Monterrey and mom and them are soon going to be living in Thailand. So, re-purposed as it is, this blog is going to get a bit of a facelift over the next week or so.

Also to do with #Purplebuddy'13, I've been reading through my posts, and while they are all accurate to my emotions and outlooks, I've realized that I'm rather a bore. I mean, I've done a lot of railing against Egypt's proverbial first-born here. I guess I should apologize for that. Part of me wants to go back and delete those posts, but the general attitude of the whole blog is still stressed out/emotional/frustrated. I think I promised in my first entry that I wasn't going to be an Emo Chick wailing that life sucked. I think I might have failed in that endeavor. I think I even requested that someone should shoot me once. Wow, was I stressed out? I guess I was. I didn't handle it very well considering.

I love new years. I love sunrises too. I love changing dates and new things. I think I forgot that in the craziness of everything that was going on last semester. I was so focused on the things that were going on that I forgot how much I love life. It's amazing really how quickly fear will make you loose your focus on the things you find most beautiful. It's also amazing how the things you think are beautiful can come back into focus when you take a step back.
We're still in a real transition phase right now. Trillian is up north on her 'honeymoon' with Nate, and I'm getting used to having my room to myself. It's lonely, but it's not a despairing lonely. It's not a cold isolated lonely. My last post ended with me admitting how I was nervous about going to my own classes Christmas party, and me admitting that I didn't know why. In hindsight, I think it was because I'm still not sure about my identity without my family. Or I wasn't just then. I think I've got this more figured out now. I know, it's not been that long since my last update, and I've discovered the meaning of life in that time. Actually, I haven't. But I did rediscover how sweet life is.
What brought all this on? Well, I've discovered that I've got more friends than I ever gave myself credit for, and I've discovered that there is incredible rest in trusting God, and not running from your calling.