Jet Lag = (sarc) Fantastic (/sarc)

So- where have I been? Simple answer: East Asia. First- some quotes from earlier this year.

January 2, 2013

Yesterday night I got a text while I was coming home from work, a text that read 'Hey Tristany, J and I were wondering if you were at all interesting in going to East Asia with us in March? It's a ten day missions trip around easter- it's going to be about $1900 dollars.' Me? Go to East Asia? On mission? It's at once God putting me back where he wants me, and me going someplace I've always dreamed of going. I was uncertain at first, but it was too perfect for God to not have orchestrated it- So I said I was interested and tonight I went to the information meeting after church. I only just got home- and there is NO WAY I'm going to be able to do this on my own. For instance: the price is $1900- which is four hundred more than I've ever raised for missions- and I have to have it all in by February 1st. I have thirty days (more or less) to raise $1900 dollars. I've never heard of that happening that fast. I'm not sure how to even start raising funds- but I do know- I KNOW- that God is telling me that I'm supposed to go to East Asia, that this trip is My trip, and I've been called to go. So I am totally going, and God is totally going to provide. Trust God? I have to- there's no way this going to happen unless he does it.

 January 7, 2013

I'm fully funded for my trip to East Asia! I can't but hardly believe it! I don't know why I'm so surprised- really, I don't. I knew God would come through- I KNEW IT! I always said it, I've been praying for it, I've been telling everyone "God will provide!" -but I never expected his providence to be so soon or so full and so sweet! I'd almost expected it to be a last minute rescue from the jaws of defeat on the 30th or the 31st of this month- not on the 7th!!! I'm completely floored! I mean, this is beyond everything that I'd ever expected! I prayed that God would provide, and while praying I told God that I knew he was going to completely blow my mind with the way he was going to provide- He's amazing at doing things that I didn't expect- and I totally didn't expect this! I've never felt so much like a daughter at a surprise party, whose dad just rolled out the best present ever! I mean, WOW! No way could I have done this. God is SO good.

And now, April 1st, I got off a plane from East Asia to RDU. Wow, these last few days have been unforgettable, incredible, indescribable and completely overwhelming. Where to start? Where to start? So my last post was on the 15th of March, when Dakota proposed. Probably there, but now I think about it, that's a lot of information. Maybe I should start at the very beginning of the trip instead? So- March 21st. That'd be the day before the HCBCEAT (Hales Chapel Baptist Church East Asia Team) rolled out. My Aunt Ellie and Uncle Russ, and their five kids stopped at our house on the way home from South Carolina. It was great fun- I played makeup with my cousins Rebekah and Sarah. I always get really nervous and emotional right before leaving for a trip, so naturally I bottle this up until I have a panic attack. I ended up calling Dakota and crying for a while. He's a trooper! He prayed with me for a while and I felt better. I'm so thankful for how focused he is. He really leads by example. So after I got off the phone with him, I went to bed and got up three hours later. We were at the church by 3am, at the airport by 4am, on the plane by 6am, and off we went.
I was so nervous before we got on the plane- but there's something about planes that just calms me right down. Not sure what it is. I love take off. I love landing too. It could just be the fact that you're actually in the air going toward your destination, or it could be the noise of the engines. I'm not sure. I like airplanes though.
Let's see... 24 hours later, we're in East Asia in our Hotel. It was kinda nice, very humid, a little chilly, and very rainy. I discovered the use of a good umbrella pretty early on. Got one at a 7-11 a couple days in. The city we were in was beautiful. There were trees all over the place- it was like someone dropped a city in a centuries old garden. The people were really friendly too. The first day we just wandered around the city, the second day we went to a college and made some friends. I learned a lot about the culture, and a lot about the differences between America and this area of East Asia. Obviously I can't really say where we went, so that really limits me as to what I can say about the trip. I didn't really get to talk to many people about the Gospel- but I did a lot of praying while God brought people to the others on my team. There were so many people! Every day I ended up in my room sitting on my bed enjoying the silence. I never have handled large groups of people well, and that's all we ever had. Large groups. Very large groups. I'm an introvert, so I was way out of my comfort zone- but that was the whole point I think. If I thought I could do it without God's help, then I'd have done it without God's help.
It was a really good trip, but by the end of it I just wanted to be home. I missed people. A lot. I had no phone useage- so I couldn't call my parents or fiancé at all. The only way I had to communicate was on a borrowed laptop with spotty internet, and no access to my main mail account, so I had to make a secondary mail account and go from memory on the emails. the Good news is that I thought to get Dakota's Email and memorize it- though I was only able to send five emails over 14 days. That was, I think, the thing that wore on me the most. See, I've always had a member of my immediate family on a trip with me, or else I had the ability to call them and talk with them at least once a day. This time I really had no way to contact them other than spotty email on a borrowed machine- and then my parents don't check their emails often. That and apparently I have a whole realm of emotions that I simply write off as weakness or personal failing. Nervousness, missing people, loneliness, uneasiness, being tired, irritation, apparently these are all emotions that I can't have without feeling like a failure. I finally figured out that these emotions are okay- particularly the loneliness one- when we got to the hotel and one of the husband/wife groups, who'd been separated on both of the planes and on the bus and taxi to get to the hotel finally met back up. the husband looked over at his travel tired wife and said "Darling, I missed you like crazy today," She laughed and said she missed him too. 'Well,' I thought, 'If it's normal for Corey to miss Ashlee, and Ashlee to miss Corey while they're going to the same place, than me missing Dakota must be a normal thing too- He's roughly 8,000 miles away now.' So after I gave myself permission to cry into my pillow without feeling like a failure over it, I felt a lot better. Like I said, the distance was the worst part. I started a couple notebooks to chronicle what happened while we were in East Asia, one for my own use, the other was basically a really long letter to Dakota about what I was up to. I found out after I got home that my grandfather did the same for Nana- He was a chief petty officer in the navy, and every time he went to sea he would write in a notebook to my Nana what he was thinking, what he'd been doing, imagining what all she was doing, etc. Didn't know I was carrying on family tradition. LOL.
But yeah, We made a bunch of contacts, checked out a few places that our friends (who are moving there) might live, checked out about four colleges, went to a couple cities, tried all sorts of foods, traveled by plane, bus, train, metro, taxi, and foot (lots and lots of foot). Walked miles and miles every day, went to a couple really awesome malls, and did a lot of praying, growing, and writing.
By the time we started heading home I was so ready to be home I didn't know what to do with myself. Then I finally got off the plane, and we finally started back toward the meeting zone. I was about thirty feet in front of the rest of the team- I was tired, and I was ready to be home- and I was ready to see my family and fiance. Saw my mom with the camera first- she was closer than the other forty people who were waiting for the entirety of the College and Career class. So I walked over and gave her a hug and kiss and she made my mind up about my next target. "You better go find Dakota first! Your brothers have been terrible!" So I look over at the group (Who hadn't noticed me yet because the rest of the team was so far behind.) and Sure enough in the back of the group I spot the top of Dakota's beautiful fuzzy head trying to get away from Jared, who pretty much had him in an arm bar. There really wasn't much competition- I just wasn't sure if I should hug dad first or Dakota- this is the way your brain works when you're tired. So then everyone starts shouting because they see the rest of the team behind me, Jared let Dakota go, and I made a dash for him as he came around the side of the group to see me. Forty six people there, including my Nana, aunt sissy and uncle chuck, mom, dad, and all my brothers, I didn't notice a one of them. In my own little world. And ya know what? Best thing in the world to hear at that moment, "Welcome home love."
And not for the last time, or the first time I said "8,000 miles without you- never happening again. Not if I can at all help it."

Passover, and a Very Important Question

I have to say, I'm writing this on the 29th of May- not the 15th of March- but I still don't quite know how to phrase a lot of this. I still can't believe this entry actually happened some days- I'm almost afraid that I'm going to wake up and it's going to be a dream. It's pretty awesome! So- where to start? The last entry was dated March 9- Which means that I've only got one week between entries. What all has happened? Well, on the 8th Dakota and his family came out to Melody's and hung out for a while. Ms. Joanie was having a very good day- very bubbly, like usual. That's what I noticed anyway- Truth of the matter is that earlier in the day Dakota had to leave for a while to go visiting at the hospital with his pastor, Ray Carr. Well, I didn't know it at the time, but he was also going to a small jewelry store to look at engagement rings. So what was Ms. Joanie so excited about? Her son had an engagement ring in the car outside- and it was supposed to be mine. And I was just happy to see everyone. It was a good night, easy, full of good customers and good company. Dakota and I went to McDonalds after I got off work and hung out until close to 10:30- at which point he looked at his watch and went “Oh, you gotta be getting home,” I kinda pouted a little, “I suppose we kinda have to, right?” well- yeah. Can't stay in McDonalds all night talking, 'sides, he was coming over for passover the next day anyway. So we part ways and go home.
So the next day, Dakota sends me a text asking what time Passover is supposed to start. I basically told him 5:30, but you can come any time you like. He responded that he'd try to be on time, but had a couple things to do, like his mom scheduled him a haircut at 4. Of course, then dad walks by and informs me that Dakota asked him if he'd like to meet for lunch at Chich-fil-a. Now, we've joked this whole time that Chick-fil-a is where we go to conduct all our important conversations. So dad starts ribbing me about what he should tell Dakota if he starts asking thinks like “can I marry your daughter?” “Want me to send him packing?” My response? "What?! No! -No! Don't do that! Geeze, he's my best friend dad!" So off dad goes. he comes back and didn't stop grinning at me all day long. Dakota didn't know that I knew that they'd had lunch together, and didn't know that dad had asked me what I thought (more or less). So off dad goes, and mom and I started getting things together for passover. Em driver came over around four, we got the table set up, and then we waited. True to his word, Dakota was late. Dad hadn't stopped ribbing me all day- he even got Trillian to call me rib me while he was at lunch with Dakota. Of course, I was probably inviting the ribbing- every couple minutes I was back at the door watching to see if he was here yet. Finally, about forty-five minutes late, I glimpsed his car at the top of the hill. Because dad had been ribbing me all day, his reaction to Dakota coming down the driveway didn't surprise me at all. See, he unceremoniously kicked me out of the house with the order "you aren't allowed back in the house til you have him with you," and he locked the door behind me. So I wandered down the walk toward the driveway as Dakota is pulling in, arms crossed and feeling mischievous, with the biggest grin on my face- completely clueless that my dad had more motive behind kicking me out than just picking on me. So here I am, standing at the end of the deck with my arms saucily crossed over my chest, with my face pulled into a perfect smirk as he parked the car beside my truck. “Uh, hi!” He said, more or less falling out of the car as I approached. “Sorry I'm late, mom insisted I get a haircut. Put us a little behind schedule. How're you today?”
I kinda smiled, shrugged, leaned against the back of my truck, “Well, Dad's kicked me out of the house and says I'm not allowed back inside until I have you with me,” I started. He kinda smiled and fidgeted a little, “He did?” I nodded, still smirking slightly. I was feeling mischievous, so I decided to make a passover joke. “Well, if this was any other night, I'd suggest we hop in the car, run away, and go someplace.” see, part of the Passover meal is a question and answer session between the youngest and oldest members of the family, in which the youngest asks “Why is this night different from every other night?” and the oldest replies “We were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt, and the Eternal, our G-d, took us out from there with a strong hand and with an outstretched arm.” I was just being goofy. Dakota kinda fidgeted a little, "Actually, on that note," he said, turning to pull something out of the car behind him. When he turned around again he had a small blue velvet box in his hand, with the most beautiful ring in the world in it. "So yeah," he said, all nerves. "Would you like to? I mean, run away with me. Sometime. Maybe.”
And time stopped. Everything was so still. The world could have exploded just then, and I'd have been no wiser. I truthfully have no idea what I did. Time stopped, and so did my brain- I forgot how to speak, how to breathe, how to think. I recall going "Oh my goodness-" like, probably fifteen times (just enough to inadvertently get him worried) and then I said something to the effect of "I'm gonna have to call my uncle and tell him I'm engaged!" (see the end of my post entitled 'Still haven't called my uncle')
“So that's a yes?” “Yes! That is absolutely a yes!”
-And I thought I sounded like an idiot when he asked me if I'd like to consider turning it into a courtship- I really sounded like an idiot when he actually asked me to marry him. I mean- wow.
Up until that point, if offered the chance to go back in time and change anything about my past, I'd have told anyone that I wouldn't change anything from my past- that everything works together to make me who I am. Now I'd have to say “Yes- Take me back to March 15^th, 2013- I need to change my reaction when my best friend asked me to marry him. I'd like to shout YES to the sky like a flipping maniac instead of kind of stuttering in shock like a dumb fool.” It kinda looked like a near miss of a huge trainwreck.
Oh goodness, I don't think I've ever been so happy as right now. I mean- this was the perfect night really. The perfect night.

Greenway, Hobbit, Hangin' out

This is a filler post, written after the fact- but aren't they all? Not many are written with so much time between the entries, nor are they so terribly back dated. It's alright though. This is cool stuff- I think I remember pretty well. :) When shall I date this one to? The 9th?
So much has happened! Like, a whole bunch of really fantastic, amazing, unspeakably awesome things! I mean- Awesome. And this is going to be Awesome. But yeah, I'm sitting on the edge of way too much vague goofiness-  I need to choose a day and start describing it.
So, the 9th of March. It's truthfully the 29th of May right now, so details are going to be fuzzy, but I'm going to pretend that it's all been today. On the 9th of March I hung out with Dakota in smithfield pretty much all day. We met at Melody's in the morning, talked for a couple hours- I finally got the story behind his name outta him. His first name is John- but he's never gone by it. John only goes on the important documents and stuff. We had some coffee, and then decided we wanted to walk on the Greenway. So off we went- walked down to it, walked all along it- the whole distance, three miles there, three miles back, almost a mile to get to it and almost a mile to get back to Melody's. We talked about so much! I remember that every once in a while Dakota would look over at me as we were walking and I'd all the sudden forget how to think, blush and have to start my train of thought over. I mean, wow. His eyes are the most intense, the warmest, deepest, eyes I've ever seen. One glance and I'm all to pieces. Completely melted. Over.
But yeah, so after our long, wonderful walk on the Greenway we went to lunch, and then Dakota took me to the Howell Theatre in Smithfield to see the Hobbit. It was a good movie! He even put up with my whining and side commentary! He's wonderful! After the movie we went our separate ways. it was a really good day. I so much enjoy spending time with Dakota. I'm so glad he asked me out. Earlier this year I was really afraid I might have scared him off. Turns out he's way braver than most of the guys I know. Actually, He's probably one of the bravest men I know- and even though he's brave he's not at all arrogant or mean. I mean, it's easy for a guy to be brave and take that to arrogance, and then arrogance turns into aloof cruelty. It's a terrible fate some suffer- but not Dakota. He's so solid and dependable, really up front and open. He's got no questions about who he is or whether he's good or not. He's confidant. I really love that about him. I don't think I could scare him off if I tried- and I may have tried once or twice. The first time he noted the .22 federal shells in my hat I started fishing for things that generally make people reconsider standing near me- like mentioning that I do enjoy shooting, I'm a passable shot, and I've got a firing range in the back yard, and that I usually carry a knife with me at all times. Did not phase him at all. He actually thought it was pretty cool. Then there was the time he was over at the house and I was showing him my german longsword, put it up and came after him with the LARP-er. I said I was going to go get the foam one- he just missed that bit of conversation... so I came at him from around a corner and checked the blow right at his throat- he thought I had the metal one still. took out the table trying to get away from me. he thought he was going to die! lol! He was okay though. -He still came by work the next time I was out there. I was impressed. :) Dakota Massengill has got to be the bravest man I know.

We're totally doing Passover this year!!!

Oh my goodness I'm so flipping excited!!! Yes, you read the title right- We're doing Passover this year. :D :D :D ...Not that we don't do Passover every year, but I'm going to East Asia over Easter this year, so I was rather resigned to not getting to celebrate Passover. But mom just said "If we're going to celebrate Passover, we have to do it the Friday before you leave- that's the 15th." and I'm like "...we're actually going to celebrate Passover?" and she's like "Yeah, we are. So you need to get in touch with Dakota and his folks- we can fit fourteen people around the table." and I'm like "YES YES YES YES YES!!!"
-So now mom and I are comparing china plates, talking about tables and table runners (the blue satin ones from Trillian's wedding [which she left] will be absolutely perfect!), Seder plates, Shabat candles, silver coins, table settings, and which haggadah outline we will use. :D ...the only thing I think we don't actually have is the candle stick holders- but we never have those for some reason or another. I'm so excited. 

Tuesday Night - Barista Rant

I've spent most of the day trying to remember if it was Tuesday, Wednesday, or Friday. This is an important question, because I don't usually work Wednesdays or Fridays- but I work every Tuesday. Of course, I knew it wasn't Thursday because (lameness of all lameness) I knew that Dakota wasn't going to be at Melody's today. That means it's not Thursday. Of course, I knew I was supposed to be working, so that really only left Tuesday... But still, it felt sorta like Wednesday.
Anyway, one of the other barista's posted to Facebook a link to a twitter feed called the Bitter Barista. I'm not going to link to it, you'll have to go looking for it. Anyway, I was reading through it and realized that a lot of my issues that I have with customers that make me roll my eyes are experienced by Baristas everywhere. Things like people who ask for "Very Hot, No foam" Lattes (which is difficult), people who ask "Why's this cappuccino so light?" (When a cappuccino is generally 30% foam), People who order things like a "White Chocolate Mocha with french vanilla flavoring, an extra shot, 2% milk, lots of whipcream and a drizzle, and that crumbly stuff on top. Large." and then complain about the price. I really don't mind those things too much, people know how they like things (except the cappuccino people), and I don't mind making it for them. My only trouble customer today was my usual trouble customer- but he and his wife are usually rude, so I'm pretty braced for their comments. Something's always wrong. last time the shots that I pulled for his Americano looked "Fluffy", the time before I'd wanted to verify that he wanted caffeinated, not decaff (usually people in the middle of the day only get americano if we don't have decaff brewed and they want their coffee NOW) and his wife said he'd punch me in the face if I made him decaff. And he agreed. Okay guys, that was a threat. By the grace of God I was too shocked to say anything, because I'd have probably said something like "um- that wouldn't be good for either of us, because I'd have to call the cops- then you'd be getting your coffee in the slammer. :D have a nice day!" (On the other hand, I'll never forget that he gets caffeinated Americanos. But seriously, what a jerk!)
But yeah- tonight the issue was that she asked for a "Kay" I wasn't sure what in the heck a Kay was, so I asked her to say it again. "a Kay tea!" she sorta rolled her eyes and I'm like "Oh, she wants a Chai! ^.^ -- 0.0 -- Oh. she wants a chai. -_.-" See- I've got Five ways I can make chai back there. and home sister didn't even know how to say what she wanted- no way in heck is she going to be able to tell me which one of the five ways I can make Chai is actually the one she wanted. And she's picky too. So yeah, that was my issue earlier. I asked her if she had had one before, and she said yes, so I guessed that meant that it had to be the Chai Latte or the Chai Tea. So the next question was "Did it have a tea bag, or steamed milk" She had no flipping idea. so I made her a chai latte, all the time mentally daring her or her husband to say a WORD about the way I was making the latte. then I handed it to her and went to fold rags. I wasn't hanging around for them to tell me what a horrible job I did on the chai and how it wasn't what they wanted. Such stuck up jerks. (Dalek Barista says: Decaffeinate! Decaffeinate!) But yeah, other than that it was a good evening. I had a fellow come in around four and get a quadruple shot espresso with four pumps of caramel and whip cream. It was the closest thing to a Macchiato I've ever made. It looked awesome. :) I filed that recipe away in my brain, and one day I shall try it. :) It will be delicious and powerful.

Another Saturday Study Date

You'd think that 10am on a Saturday is a reasonable time to be somewhere. And it is. -My major malfunction is that I can't seem to get up in the mornings these days. But yeah, mornings that I don't have to be anywhere are quickly migrating toward being 9am wake ups whether I like it or not. I suppose I need to give myself a good kick in the pants and just do it. Call it responsibility, and that'll make us feel better. Anyway, So today I met Dakota at Melody's for a study date. Yes, Definition of "study date" is oxy-moronic: It's a date on which you study material for class. But really, we get through a lot of material. I wasn't sure how well those would go at first, but they're actually quite industrious. I'll sit at one side of the table with my textbook and computer, he'll sit at his side of the table with his, and we study. Occasionally one of us will interject about something that makes no sense or something we thought was interesting, but for the most part, we study. Today was a little difficult, the top forty list was playing on the radio and apparently I know more of the songs than I should probably admit (Come on guys, I work at a coffee house) so I kept being distracted by the more upbeat songs. It took me almost four hours to get through twenty-five pages. I felt like a dunce. Dakota covered at least forty pages in that time. But anyway, Victory was achieved, and I'm officially on spring break. So at about 2o'clock we went to Wendy's for lunch- they have a really good value menu. I hadn't realized that. It was a lovely discovery though. We sat in Wendy's for a while just talking about movies and such, then about the third time the Wendy's guy asked if we needed refills we decided to regroup elsewhere- so we went to the Greenway and walked almost three and a quarter miles. Not something I'd have done by me onesy, but it was nice enough with Dakota. The Greenway has a bit of a bad reputation in Smithfield- understandably so, it's well wooded on either side and far removed from people. Vissini: "We are but poor lot circus performers. Is there a village nearby?" Buttercup: "There is nothing nearby. Not for miles." Vissini: "Then there will be no one to hear you scream." And of course, there's a lovely little sign saying that there are no weapons allowed on the Greenway. Because signs like that totally keep delinquents from carrying guns. Silly people. They are called 'Perps' because they perpetrate crimes. Like armed robbery (which is also illegal). So yeah, but it was a fun walk, arm-in-arm discussing social norms vs a christian world view (Also see: things that just make us go "what?") it was a good time. :) I think we've more or less decided we need to go back when spring really gets going, and then again in the fall when the leaves are turning.
But yeah, that was pretty much my day. Came home, ate dinner, played minecraft. It's been a good day. :) I think I need to go and see if my pillow will take me back- I left it this morning after a long fight.

Breakfasts, Geese, ..I kinda want to draw

My last note was about Saturday last week I think, which means that I've got a whole week of stuff to pull from for this blog entry.
Let me think... Saturday I've recounted. I wrote that last post on Monday... so- Tuesday. Tuesday was a fairly normal day. Yet another day that I said "I'm going to get up early and accomplish something before work!" and failed to do so. Work went well- right up until open mic. A couple of the newer guys took up the whole stage with their equipment and played for almost an hour and a half- Mr. Pete didn't get to play. He was almost upset- which is something. I've never seen him almost upset before. I've never seen him anything close to it. The worst I've ever seen was a tired happy. He didn't even say 'night guys!' before he left like he usually does. :/ I felt so bad for him. Of course, I was working, so I probably should have been looking at the clock going "Okay y'all- time to move your junk and let someone else take a turn!" but it hadn't occurred to me that the guys on the stage weren't talking to the guys at the tables at all. Usually it's pretty fluid going back and forth between the players, with people getting up to play with the songs that they know and sitting down if they don't know the piece. :/ Wednesday was Wednesday. I don't recall exactly what happened- but life is good. Corey, David, Kaitlyn, and Ashlee started teaching about the Story in Wednesday Night service. Great fun that. It was nice to watch them go back and forth with what they were sharing- I mean, it was like an oral presentation for a class.
Thursday morning mom and I had been asked to attend a 'Breakfast before Business' breakfast, which was being held in honor of JCC's donors. Mom and I got to go because we helped make the gifts for the donors. You guessed it- bowls and vases. One thing I'll say about my current college- the President of the college is profoundly interested in the arts. He's really big about recognizing all the helpers for events, from background music to waiting staff to photographers. So he asked Kiefer to ask his helpers to come to the meal as well. So here we were, Me, Mom, Kiefer, Leslie and Limbert, four students and a college teacher, in a room full of executives, board members, bankers, stocks persons, etc. The room was probably worth a few million bucks. heck- the table I was sitting at was probably worth over a million (the "Fine Arts Students" were sharing a table with two big name banks.) So I felt a little out of place, but I was hangin' with Kiefer and my mom so I was good. I recognized most of the people who were there just by virtue of them coming into the coffee house so often- however, it's bad when you recognize the guy in the nice suit sitting three chairs down from you as "Skinny Vanilla Latte 16oz with an extra shot." It was a good meeting- didn't drag on forever and a day. About half way through the Keynotes speaker got up and started talking about being Givers. It was basically a sermon about how good it was to give, and great it makes you feel, and how it's great for business. He was the owner of the Zaxby's franchises in the area- though he was based out of Georgia. So he told a story about how he told his Smithfield Manager that he wanted him to "walk across the street to that college and marry them." And apparently his business strategy for marrying the college worked pretty well. I really don't know what the point of that bit was- because about half way through the story a goose poked it's head over the edge of the skylights in the room. See- the room we were having breakfast in has skylights all the way around the edges of the ceiling- and a goose was sitting on the roof outside lookin' in at us. This was the Anatidaephobic's worst nightmare. The funniest thing was that at first the goose was up and down so much and so fast that I wasn't sure I'd actually seen it at first- but then the $100,000 dude beside me whispered to his buddy beside him "did you see that goose?" and I knew I actually had. Well, for about five minutes it kept popping up and down- and then it started staying up, walking back and forth and honking. I mean honking. Loudly. Like, the speaker came to a point in his speech that he was quite for a moment, and the goose honked, and it was audible inside the building across the room where I was sitting. It was hilarious! -and I just knew that if I laughed I was going to be in so much trouble. So I sat there for the duration of the goose antics with my hands clasped in my lap, literally biting my tongue, not breathing, with my head bowed so as to not laugh or disrupt anything. Leslie was laughing- but she was masking it with a coughing fit. that didn't help me, but it was funny. Limbert wasn't sure he'd seen a goose, and couldn't believe it when the goose actually stayed up. So he's whispering to Leslie the whole time. But yeah. The goose left, the keynotes speaker finished by saying he was glad to be married to the college, the Foundation fellow in charge of the funds for the college got up and said "Through the power vested in me by JCC, I now pronounce Zaxby's of Smithfield and JCC man and wife." (a few chuckles, but the goose had tired people out. lol) then he started talking about the people who'd given money, and all that- and then he recognized Mr. Kiefer- He said his name "Kai-fer" not "Kee-fer"- and he recognized Leslie as president of the SCA, and then he recognized Limbert as a first year student. -Then he got all excited and introduced "A mother and daughter team who've been in the Fine Arts program for a while- Mary Roper is an Enrichment Student taking Ceramics II, and her Daughter is a Fine Arts major who will be graduating this semester with her Associates Degree! The Ropers have had five students out here at JCC." -then he made us stand up, and we got a round of applause. It was kinda odd- a little embarrassing- but nice. So that meeting ended after they gave the gifts away. I came home, changed for work, knocked about the house for a bit, then jumped in the car and got to work. Work was also fun- a rather nice older fellow named Henry chatted with me for a little bit, then Babsi our baker came to the front with a new kind of muffin- and he started a conversation in German with her. -And I understood it. Not perfectly, mind you, but I was able to keep up with the conversation. Somehow, afterward, the conversation went to what he'd said to Babsi in German- I smiled and said I'd understood most of it, repeated the high points, and he laughed at me and said I was really sharp. It was great fun. :) When you can listen to a conversation in another language and be able to tell that the fellow is saying he had gone to work in Germany in 1960 with an automotive company, and his job was making joints on the production line- but you can't speak but the basic hello and goodbye. I dunno- I felt a lot smarter than I did previously.
So after that, I was cleaning stuff and Dakota and his mom walked in. He'd said he'd be there early, but I hadn't counted on 3pm early. :) It made me happy. So his mom got a coffee, they sat and chatted for a while, then off she went to the history club meeting with Dakota's younger brother. It was a good day. :) Got to chat with Dakota on and off between rushes, then things started to get slower again and all the rest of the Massengills came in. It was great fun to watch them interact. Poor Dakota was getting ribbed quite a lot- his dad asked "I've seen you watching the Barista- have you got her number yet? Even asked her name?" But yeah. His mom was trying to embarrass him, so she told me that he'd said the sweetest thing earlier- Dakota apparently didn't remember exactly what it was, so she told me. Apparently he'd said that the sweetest thing about me was that I didn't need him- that I just enjoyed his company for having him around, not because I needed something from him. He blushed, I laughed, his mom thought it was the sweetest thing ever.
After work we went to McDonalds at sat for two hours chatting about everything we could think of- then I looked at my watch and saw that it was 10:30pm and I thought "Oh, I really need to be getting home." so off we went.
Then there was yesterday. Yesterday was probably the best day thus far this week. I finally got Dakota to watch the Princess Bride. It was great fun. He came out to the house about three, we had a small sword fight in the rain outside. -found out mom was recording it from the back window- staged the ending of the fight (Dakota won)- then ended up having to chase Jeremiah down for my sword, which I'd dropped when I died. After that, we came inside, dusted out jeans off, and sat and talked for a while. JD was trying to mess with Dakota- so he ended up pretty much in Dakota's lap with his head rested on his shoulder. wouldn't leave us alone. LOL. Then mom and dad got back with dinner, and we had pizza- which was fun. Then we watched the princess bride. JD was trying to keep us from sitting together- he failed completely. I confess I have no idea what my brothers were doing through the whole movie. I was sitting beside Dakota, trying to not give the movie away. lol. ...and I'm using lols and smiley faces. 6.6 ...that reaction didn't help at all. Anyway- he enjoyed the movie, the geekdom is now more fully understood, and all is well. dad was upset because Dakota didn't cry at all during the movie (I didn't think there was anything to be sad about...)
but yeah, that was yesterday. It was great fun. :) I was reading the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe last night before bed- and I totally passed out in the floor. woke up at 1am, crawled into bed, passed out again. Today I pretty much spent cleaning my room. yeah. that's it. cleaning my room. It took a while. lol.

Still haven't called my uncle...

The other day I did something that didn't think I'd ever do on Facebook- No, I didn't start playing farmville. I actually updated my relationship status. 'Yeah, big deal, people do that all day long.' yeah yeah- I know what people do. But really! I really did! I mean, for those keeping up with my blog, you caught my January 4th post about going to lunch and hanging out with my friend Dakota. You also probably saw a few other things, like mention of me trying to take over the world and a friend telling me that he'd have to stop me, hanging out with a friend, being distracted all evening by a friend, and my friends really showing out to prove that I'm not all by me onesy. Okay, so now that's pointed out- I have been talking about him here, I really have! So updating a Facebook relationship status means anything? No, not in and of itself. I have a sock-puppet named Julian Glaucus (It's a Facebook page for my invisible friend who is a Goblin Psychiatrist) and I could say he was in a relationship with my friend Elsa's cat Gwendolyn if I wanted, wouldn't mean anything (cats aren't his type though...)
I suppose my point is this: He asked if he could change his status. Okay, I know I sound like an idiot. Maybe I should go back... Oh, but if I go back I'll go all goofy and won't be able to get my phrasing right... Nothing for it- gotta go back.
Okay, so we've been hanging out for a while- obviously- and some time in January he asked me if I'd like to go out to lunch with him. I said yeah, and off we went. Since then we've been going back and forth a lot, hangin' out every chance we get etc. Well, last Saturday we met at the library to do our weekend studying together, and when we'd spent three hours pouring over our books and I'd finished reading the segment of my Brit Lit book that I was supposed to read we decided to head across the street for a coffee before heading home. Craziest thing in the world happened just then- it was snowing. Yeah- Snow. In North Carolina. In February. After having 60 degree weather the day before. We decided as we were walking to the door that snow was an awful, ridiculous thing- and were both grinning from ear to ear when we walked out the door into it. By the time we made it across the street we were both well dusted with huge, fluffy snowflakes. I really wanted a picture- but wasn't sure how to ask for that... I mean, I coulda been all "We gotta take a picture with my cellphone! Get over here!" but that would have been uber goofy. Anyway, we got our coffee, sat down for a while looking out the window at the snow, enjoying the company and conversation. Eventually we decided that the weather, while lovely, was making the roads look slushy- so we said bye to the barista, and headed outside. Dakota asked if he could escort me back to my vehicle and offered his arm, so I took it and we started back across the street. Gorgeous weather. Absolutely beautiful. The streets were pretty much deserted, the sky was full of huge snowflakes, I had a warm coffee in one hand, and my best friend on the other. Just grinning from ear to ear. and that was the point that he asked me if I'd like to consider turning this whole hanging out/being awesome thing into an actual official courtship. Yeah, we were Homeschooled- we use different terms. No, we're not dating, we don't play that game. Look it up, courting. Google, go.
But yeah- I totally sounded like an idiot; I know I sounded like an idiot. I can't actually remember what in the heck I said, I know I was grinning from ear to ear and laughing and trying to figure out how to get my mouth to form words. My brain was totally gone! I'm sure I stood there giggling like a fool saying something to the effect of "uh- um, yeah! That sounds perfect! er, I'd love that! ah, eh, oh gosh, yeah!" I sounded like an idiot. lol. (<- I promised I wouldn't do that here, 6.6) So yeah, we finally put on facebook that we're in a relationship. This brings up another point, for which this post is named.
At my sister's wedding, my uncle John-John (I've got seriously fifteen 'John's in my family, gimme a break,) told me "If you get a boyfriend or something- whatever you call it- call me, okay? If the first I hear about this is that you're engaged, I'm gonna knock you both out." LOL. I suppose this would rather count. Geeze, I gotta get his number from my mom now...

So it's what? The 17th?

Right, my last post said something about Faust, a new computer station and me reorganizing my room. I suppose this one should pick up there... That was what? 13 days ago? give or take? I'm terrible at math, and don't feel like really pinning it down right now, so we'll say 13 and beg grace later if anyone cares.
It seems like a lot has happened, but really I can't think of much... No, I've actually made more than a couple discoveries. the chiefest I suppose requires a visitation on something I said in a post I made on February 1-

I do have friends, and I'm totally going to make good use of them- but it's an uncomfortable feeling when you're sad and having to let your guard down. Really, I don't let people close. And I don't want to whine and complain all the time when I'm around people. I was talking to a good friend of mine the other night and he said "Seriously, I'm all yours. Anytime." And while that takes such a load off my mind (To know that I can just talk if I need to), I don't want to burden any of my friends with my failure to cope. I'd rather keep it in my head and keep my walls up... but that isn't an option right now.
I just don't quite know how to let them down...

Yeah, that needs some edits. I really didn't understand the depth or the concept of my friendships when I wrote that down. Since then I've seriously had more offers of "You can come to our place for the weekend any time you want," than I could cash in in a year- and ain't none of them were simply being polite. I've also had two kidnapping threats- both going to the effect of "We're going to have dinner once a week- once every two weeks at the very least- even if we have to kidnap you or steal a house key for your place."
So I suppose in response to my initial melancholy- 1. It ain't about me. 2. My church family is totally family- and aren't afraid to get in my business to keep me from being alone, because they know that we need community, and I don't know how to reach out. It's impossible for me to keep all these emotions from hitting the radar when five to fourteen people are trying to figure out how you're doing- and that's okay, because they actually are interested and love me. 3. Emotional upset is not failure to cope- it's simply moving from one state of upheaval to a more stable emotion. Kind of like the physics of collapse- a stable object made unstable will collapse and until it's parts find a stable area that they rest in- being upset is not failure, it's my emotions settling while we figure out how to cope- which is the collapsed resting stage.
Next- it's more starting to settle in that trillian is most assuredly not coming back- but it's not so terrible as I thought it would be... I mean, it's a natural sort of feeling. the worst part is when I am sort of between awake and asleep wondering if she's come in or gotten up yet- or thinking that I need to be quiet in the mornings to not wake her, or not having her to get me out of bed in the morning when my alarm has gone off five times. That's always miserable.
I've once again reorganized my room and have a more steady set up for life in general. My Schoolwork has been kicking my tail all week- we've had literally four essays due this week, in one class. It's been insane. I'm glad I'm only taking one class. lol.
I suppose the thing of next interest would be that my friend Dakota and I are actually officially courting now. I know that sounds really nonchalant and is sort of hidden down in the bottom of this post- but really- I mean- seriously. I still don't quite have my brain on straight after all a that.... LOL. I'm totally going to have to write a separate blog post about that... ohmigosh. I still can't express all of this. I'm sure I sounded like an idiot when he asked me. ohmigosh. ji jasd lkjasdfmkkjnasdf asd,sdaahsdjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Reorganizing

Judging from the fact that I last posted on the second, and it's the fifth, and some serious reorganizing has been going on- Well- I thought I should probably write a blog post.
I really don't expect that many (if anyone) is actually reading these as I type them, but I do like to keep a log of things, and when I have high emotion posts I like to have follow-up pieces for after action reports. So, really- this post of more for my later sanity than for anything.
Anyway. The last post that I wrote was about Trillian moving officially to California... or that was what I intended to write about. What I really wrote about was what happened on the same day that trillian moved. Yeah, I was distracting myself with random other happenings. It's perfectly logical and perfectly acceptable.
I'm not exactly Over it, but i'm becoming more used to living here without her. I decided pretty early on that I needed to fill the space or change the space that had been considered exclusively hers- not because I'm glad she's gone, but more because a change of scenery is good for someone trying to move on. So I've stared using the underneath of the bed as a walk-in closet, and the top of her bed as a linen closet. (I had no idea I had so many towels...)
I've also "inherited" a desktop (which I named Eliakim) from Jared, and am now using it as my desk computer. It's giving Elimelech a break. Very nice for my poor baby lappy- Laptops weren't made to run as often or as long as I run Elimelech. I'm a bad lappy mommy- I have a bad habit of leaving it running most nights. So, I've moved a few things around and have a computer station in the backroom beside the loveseat (which is my traditional Computer station). The glider that Trillian had is going to have to be more officially moved elsewhere, but I've got a desk and a chair and a lamp and a desktop and a spot for my laptop, a toaster for my hard drive, and a lot of new storage space. I'm pretty pleased. Eliakim, Elimelech and Ezekiel are all happily sitting together now.

Oye. I'm so tired, lol... Oh, that would be good to mention... I've attained "Master Nerd" status in my Brit lit class- the teacher actually stopped me after class and told me that if he started leaning on me too heavily I just needed to tell him- Said he needed conversation starters and I had obviously done my reading. I was pleased. -Not sure how to take it though. So yeah. I have totally alienated my classmates. They'll get over it.
I just finished reading Doctor Faustus by Christopher Marlowe (Check it out on Shmoop)
The actual reading of the piece was pretty easy- I like Marlowes style, it's really easy to read. The piece itself is thought provoking. Shmoop asked "what would you be willing to give up in order to attain what you wanted to know?" -well, for starters, we're not a society that wants to know things. We want to pass a test and get props for our scores, move on and forget everything we've 'learned'. We don't want to learn.
Further, it's got a lot to say about Predestination and Calvinism- Did Faust Ever really have a choice as to whether or not he goes to hell? That seems to be the most major question asked by anyone who ever read this story. All the sudden, I'm glad that I had all those chances to debate with John Calvin young and Matt Henry about Calvinism and predestination vs. freewill. That's at least got me prepped to answer the Calvinist train of thought. Still, in reverse, being able to explain that man has free will and God is infinitely good but infinitely just and righteous- Holy, and so he cannot see evil. Class tomorrow could be really really interesting... It could easily go very anti-christian, or very pro-christian. I hope God gives me wisdom to say what I need to say....

Monterey California

Monterey California. I wonder if I'll ever be able to spell that right? The computer always says it's wrong- but I'm not believing it. Anyway, so last night we had a going away party here at the house for Trillian. We had a whole bunch of people show up (about 35 if my count is correct.) From all sorts of different areas. Church, Homeschool group, various other social circles. It was quite a good time- and possibly the first time that I was at a party that was hosted at my house that I didn't feel the need to play hostess. ...Actually, I feel a bit bad about that because a friend of mine was more or less trapped by a rather flirty other friend of mine, and I didn't realize it until the fellow had to leave. -but in the end, it was Trillian's party and Trillian's responsibility to play hostess and rescue damsels in distress, not mine. I enjoyed myself sitting and talking with Emily, Dakota, Jared, and Josh- even though my mom, dad, and two of the other dads spent the whole evening trying to make me blush (They were doing a really good job of it too- I think I stayed red for the majority of the evening. It doesn't take much to make me blush...) -I firmly believe that God puts people around you when you need it- and between Emily and Dakota I stayed distracted all night- I didn't think once about how much fun it was going to be saying goodbye today. But yeah, great party. People stayed until nearly midnight, then we all hit the sack. It was a rather rough night for me- I knew I was waking up early in the morning, so I didn't sleep well last night. I went to bed at about 12:40am- and I had a semi-coherent train of thought going from then until 5:00am when Trillian's alarm went off. That already feels like a year ago now... Just thinking about all the lasts we'd had the night before and how much I still had to do. One repeating thought was "This is it- this is the last time Trillian and I are going to fall asleep in the same room." It's a lot of letting go... We'll never have late night conversations anymore, not like we did. We'll never share secrets the way we used to, and we'll never stay up for hours talking out our differences. I'll never get to tell her the story of Barleycorn the Field Mouse to get her to go to sleep anymore. I'll never get to talk about my story plots and bounce them off her in the car.
I recall thinking after she came in "Should I say something? What would I say? Shouldn't we get to sleeping?" Sad thought- I usually think something to the effect of "Will I regret it if I don't?" and I didn't. I rather do regret it- We've not been talking at night because she's been coming to bed at 3 and 4 am. But last night we almost went to sleep at the same time. I hate that I missed that chance. I hate that I didn't recognize what a chance it was. I think I didn't really want to talk about her leaving. I didn't really want to talk about her leaving at 1am, or 2am, or 3am or 4am, or 5am when her alarm went off. So then we got up and got ready for leaving. five ropers and a skinner got through the bathroom with brushed teeth in less than 30minutes. It was a record. We met Josh Kellum, Emily Driver and Whitney Betts at the church- all piled in the van, and away we went to the airport. It was cold. We got there- I hung back with Josh and Emily while Trillian got checked in. Mom brought the "welcome home" banner- a good idea, a nice touch. ...Incredibly sentimental, really heart-wrenching for me, but a very good touch. Everyone keeps writing "You're going to be incredibly missed!" like she's dead or something. Doesn't help. So, Trillian went through security and off to Monterey. Probably the last time I'll see her in person in the next few years. I wasn't ready to let her go yet- and honestly, I'm not okay with that- but I'll learn to live with it.
We went to McDonalds for breakfast, then came home and I took a two hour nap. Mom, Jeromy, Jerold and I went to shoe show to get Jerold another pair of Converse- He gave me his old pair (they need some work, but I think I can make it work.) then mom and I went stress shopping in Rue. I found a jacket and shirt for $6, then found some jeans on sale. Yeah, I'm a bad person. but I restrained myself from shoe shopping and brownie eating. Then I went around attempting to finish things or do things and failed epically in every count of the word. I started cleaning my room and didn't manage, I started reading my homework and didn't manage, I started organizing my desktop and didn't manage, I started talking to Dakota on facebook and got distracted, I started cleaning the kitchen and- are you seeing a pattern? I'm so scattered. I hate this.
I know it's silly, but dad asked trillian to send them a text message when she got home- of course she didn't. She said she probably wouldn't- so at least she was honest. But, seriously- that's not putting my heart very much at ease. It's like saying "nope, I'm married and in California now- I got no time for you guys anymore. You're not very high on my list of people to talk to."
Yeah, it's really difficult for me to 'keep up' with people who aren't right there with me- I've never had to before, so I don't really know how to do that... So, that being said- Can I get a little help? Ya know- just thirty seconds to send a text message that says "Home now, :)"
I may be being irrational, but I don't feel like that is a lot to ask for. I just wish I had some reassurance that her intention wasn't to fall off the face of the earth. Kinda hurts. I mean, I already had to give her up- She's already gone. I've already got to readjust, and not have my bestfriend and confidante here. I just wish she'd give me a little bit of something to work with. All we asked for was a short text message. I don't feel like that is too much to ask for.

So- February 1, 2013

Just like the title says I suppose- It is the first day of the second month- the year is already 1/12 over, and we've only started. Trillian Skinner leaves tomorrow for California-Nate has the keys to the house, and has clearance to be off base. So they'll be moving in Saturday and Sunday. I've been sorta in and out as far as my emotional state goes. This is an awesome time of growing, but growing fast tends to hurt some, so I'm a little out of sorts. A lot of people have been asking, and most are fine with the cover answer "I'm okay," but the ones that want a more specific, detailed analysis have been getting a bit of a different answer. Yes, I'm okay- I'm just being childish and a bit selfish. The way the world is changing right now is nothing that I'm unaccustomed to. Trillian has received orders to move to Monterey, CA. Mom and Dad have received Preliminary orders to move to Thailand. We've had many such orders over the years, we've had many such changes. It's not like we've ever had a choice, so whining and complaining and bellyaching about it wasn't ever an option. Yes, I've always been sad about leaving. Yes, it's always been hard to pack up and say goodbye to friends. But it's different this time- This time I'm staying. It's an odd feeling, and usually all the sadness that I feel about these kinds of moves is contained inside my family, who are all feeling the same way. Well, they're leaving, I'm staying, I don't exactly have a family unit to keep my emotions inside. I do have friends, and I'm totally going to make good use of them- but it's an uncomfortable feeling when you're sad and having to let your guard down. Really, I don't let people close. And I don't want to whine and complain all the time when I'm around people. I was talking to a good friend the other night and he said "Seriously, I'm all yours. Anytime." And while that takes such a load off my mind (To know that I can just talk if I need to), I don't want to burden any of my friends with my failure to cope. I'd rather keep it in my head and keep my walls up... but that isn't an option right now.
I just don't quite know how to let them down...

Make me trust you...

It's really, deeply, mind-blowingly amazing how Good god is, and how faithful he is to keep his promises. It's a dangerous thing when you surrender everything you are and everything you can be to God, and ask for nothing in return but the cry of "Make me trust you- I can't do it on my own."
Why is it dangerous? Because He will absolutely always honor that request. It's dangerous, but no man fears to kneel before the God that he loves. I fear His wrath. I fear my sinful nature and how that pulls us apart. I fear the consequences of my disobedience. I do not fear God randomly loosing his goodness. I trust Him. I know He won't do anything to injure me. I fear His Power, I fear the glory of His gaze. I fear to be in the presence of pure righteousness and holiness- because I am fallen. But I will never be afraid to run into my Father's arms and cry.
God has brought me out of one place, and it putting me in another place. This new place is terrifying, and I have no idea how I'm going to survive in it- But I trust God. God will bring me through this place, and He will make me shine as a light to the world. I want nothing so much as to be in God's Plan.
Now, I don't want this entry to be only vague ramblings, so I have to stop here and make a note of everything that has occurred. Trillian is leaving to go to California very, very soon. It's looking like the first week of February now, probably 11 days. Also, the call has come from Crossworld, and Mom and Dad are looking now at Mid to Late August to be in Thailand. This has several implications for me- They will be gone a lot between now and then. There are a lot of dates for me to remember.

I'm so afraid. I am reluctant even here on this edge. I'm on the cliff. This is where I prayed God would lead me to. This is the fight I asked God to give me and (by His grace; for His glory) He gave it to me. So here I am, in the refiners fire, my impurities being burned out of me, and my fears being chiseled away by the master sculptor. It's not my accident that I'm here now. It's not by chance that this call has come. This is a gift, and I absolutely cannot waste this chance. I asked for this, after all. God isn't going to give me something and not give me the tools to complete it. 

Time Inevitably Passes- So Change Comes

I went to a friends baby shower yesterday. It was a lovely gathering! A large number of the people there were the family of the happy parent's to be, and the rest were members of their church family. It was really heart-warming to look around and see so many people stepping up to help this young couple and offer advice- not the overbearing 'you know nothing' advice- but advice like "No matter what you do in your raising of this child: be consistent.", and "Love conquers all", and "When people give you advice, smile and nod, then do whatever you feel is most natural."
It was a beautiful shower, and a lot of good things were given and gladly received. There was even a really sweet slideshow of pictures from mommy and daddy's childhood days. And that was when it struck me- Guys, we're in college. We're adults.
It's one of those age old questions- When did you start thinking you were an adult? When did you believe you were an adult? When did you actually become an adult? The effect of the question is the same, just phrased differently. When did I become an adult? I mean, seriously now. I had a post a while back that said "This is gonna be it- I've got to figure out how to grow up for real and actually become an adult." Well, yes. I'm twenty years old, I have a job, college and responsibilities. My friends are all getting married and having babies or turning twenty-something. Even the guys that I gravitate more towards (The youth/highschool 'kids') are graduating and going to college.
Guys, we're in college. I'm Twenty. I'm almost Twenty-one. And what have I made of my life thus far? It's a haunting question. I've had the chance to do so much, I've had plenty of opportunities to reach out and reach in, become part of a team. I've not made as much as I could have. I've invested my time and passions poorly- I mean, really.
I'm a scared little kid at heart really- I don't rise to the challenge often. I don't make decisions well because I'm afraid of failure or afraid of the responsibility that leadership brings. I'm afraid of investment, and I'm afraid of looking foolish. I may be a social creature and not hesitant to talk to people, but I don't make friends easily- I don't hold people close to my heart often because I've always had to leave them and it's easier to hold them at arms length. Every once in a while someone sees more than a glimpse of my heart, but it's not often. Every once in a while I let someone close enough to see that God put a spark in my heart when he redeemed me from my sin. It struck an ember in my heart that is burning to burst into a passion that will completely consume me- I know it will. It will burn me up and change me at the chemical level, from clay to glass.
I'm weak and afraid and shy, but God brings out nothing but the best in me. When I've been afraid and seeking shelter, He put me out on the edge of a cliff and taught me to open my arms and fall. Fall into his grace and power and mercy. I think he's doing that again. I think he's blowing on the ember in my heart and it hurts. God is changing me again.
Yes, he is. These are the days my friends- These are the days of change. These are the days when we have no option but to let go of our fears and fall headlong into the ocean of God's sovereignty, trusting in him to take care of the course- knowing that God's plan succeeds or we will utterly fail, never to rise again. I have no option- I can't stay this way anymore- the flame in my heart is kindling and to stay in this place as if nothing had changed may well kill me.
These are the days that all my insecurities have got to be scattered to the wind, my fears be drowned, and I simply choose and try new things, let people get close. I accept responsibility and forsake my old ways. The creature I am is afraid and fallen, but I'm called to be bold. I'm supposed to look different. My heart is changing, and I so desperately want to be different. I so desperately need God- and for the first time I desperately, desperately, desperately want to be on the cliff looking down into the ocean. I want to be told "fall" and I want to toe the line and struggle against myself. I want to fight my insecurities and let myself fall into the arms of grace. I will not offer God that which cost me nothing.
Deuteronomy 2:2-3 - Then the LORD said unto me: "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north."
Isaiah 48: 18-19 - Forget the former things; Do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness, and streams in the waste land!

Beowulf

I've officially survived week one of classes- or, I've rolled through week one. It really didn't take that long. This semester is incredibly light- I only have 3 credit hours this time through, and it's a Brit Lit class! I've already read through Beowulf once for fun, I'll start it again for content tomorrow.
Beowulf is an interesting, fun read. I mean, I'd read it before, but this version is a lot more straight forward and fun than the one I found at the library or the one I have on kindle.
So, Fast version of the story. Long ago in Denmark there was a great king and leader whose name was Shield. He had four children, three sons and a daughter. One of Shield's sons was the king Hrothgar, who was a Danish Lord living in the great mead hall of Heorot. Heorot was the greatest, most joyful hall in the world, and there was always a bard singing and men drinking mead and gifts being given there. Well, there was a demon called Grendel who lived near by, and he could not stand the joyful sound that came from Heorot at night- so he came once the men had all made their beds and slew thirty of them at a go. Some he stuffed into a great bag made of dragon skin, some he devoured on the spot, some he tore to pieces and left to wet the stones. None that he struck down could be given a proper burial, and many were never seen again- but from the gore everyone knew they had been slain. Well, time passed, and every night Grendel would come and slay whomever he could find. There were a handful of valiant attempts to stop Grendel and answer him for the murders he'd committed, but no one had the strength to defeat him- so everyone who stood against him died. the good king Hrothgar didn't know what to do, and the hall that had once been so joyous turned empty, cold and fearful. Far across the waves the Geatish people, the Wulfings, heard of the trouble that had befallen Hrothgar and the golden hall of Heorot. After hearing these stories, the great warrior Beowulf begins to gather a group of warriors to go and rid the Danes of this demon. Beowulf and his companions sail to the land of the Danes and go request an audience with Hrothgar. When Hrothgar hears that Beowulf has come to help him, he's thrilled! So he greets Beowulf and his men joyfully and sets them down at the table with his own sons. Beowulf declares his intentions to defeat Grendel, and Hrothgar agrees that it's the best thing to do, saying that if Beowulf can defeat Grendel that he would be most richly rewarded. Hrothgar was a ring-giver, and gave very freely of his riches. So Beowulf and his men stay in Heorot that night, drinking their fill of Mead and waiting for Grendel to come. Beowulf and his men had fallen asleep when Grendel made his move. Before everyone could wake up and get their swords one man had already been messily slain, then Grendel looked around the room and saw Beowulf, so he attacked. Beowulf and Grendel grappled hand to hand for a while, moving hither and yon, smashing benches and breaking tables, fairly destroying the hall. the struggle was intense, and it soon went from Grendel trying to overpower Beowulf and tear him to pieces to Grendel struggling with all his might to get out of Beowulf's grip. He knew his days were numbered, but still he struggled. Then, with one more mighty jerk, Beowulf tore Grendel's arm, shoulder and all, off. Grendel, finding himself free from Beowulf's terrible grasp, fled pell-mell through the country side back to his mother's house in the bottom of the swamp, leaving a trail of gore behind him. Beowulf didn't follow- he knew that with the loss of his arm that Grendel would soon die an agonizing death, if not of shock then from the bloodloss that would occur. The men returned to their vigil, and in the morning Hrothgar came to see if anyone had survived. Beowulf presented the Ring-Giver with the arm of the murderer, Grendel, and as promised, Hrothgar gave beowulf and his men great gifts and they had a day of rejoicing and the hall was set for a great feast. It was the best feast in many a year, the first one that was had with no fear of the shadows of evening. The party lasted long into the night with the bards once again singing great lays and tales of great battles and great warriors. Beowulf was hailed as the greatest warrior on earth. Finally, everyone retired to their beds, unafraid because the demon was now dead. They were rather foolish, The danes and the geats had many rules regarding what was to happen if one was slain- a man price must be paid, or the murderer must die. It shouldn't have surprised them that Grendel's terrible mother would have been much grieved at her only child's death. And so, out of the marsh she came- grendel's mother, all robed in weeds and marsh rot, she slunk into Heorot and snatched up King Hrothgar's most loved adviser, Aeschere, and slew him. Then she fled, dragging the bleeding body of the king's friend out of the hall and through the village and forests, leaving a trail of destruction and gore all the way to her cursed abode. The next morning the King finds what had happened and is so grieved that he doesn't know what to do. Beowulf is sent for, and the King asks him to once again take up arms to defend the keep. Beowulf tells Hrothgar that it's better to avenge one's fallen friends than to mourn over them- so he and his men and a group of danes, including King Hrothgar himself, set out following the path of the terrible monster. As they approach the base of a cliff near the marsh they find Aeschere's head, which had been mauled and removed from his body. The danes are all heart sick and stricken with despair and fear. Well, Beowulf finally locates the black pond where the mother of Grendel lives, and without much ado- except to say "If I die, send the treasures that we were given to my father's house so they may see how bountiful the king of the dane's was and how favored we were!"- he jumps in the water and sinks for almost a full day. When he reaches the terrible house, he is greeted by grendel's vehement mother, who tries to strangle Beowulf like a boa. His armor saves him, and he takes a swing at her with his sword. The sword cannot penetrate her scales, so he throws it away and they set to grappling. they smash aroudn the room, destroying relics that she'd stolen and knocking piles of armor and treasures over. Grendel's mother overpowers Beowulf, and throws him to the ground, drawing a long, wicked dagger to saw his head from his shoulders, and she would have too, but his maile stopped the evil blade from accomplishing it's purpose. In a fit of rage, Grendel's mother throws beowulf like a ragdoll, deciding the choke him out with her bare hands. Beowulf finds a blessed sword in the wreckage near by, and he takes a mighty swing at the advancing foe- and chops her head off.
Above, on shore, the men were still patiently waiting for Beowulf or the monster to emerge. When Beowulf slew grendel's mother a great lot of blood issued forth and rose to the top of the water in a great bubble. Seeing it, the danes all thought that it meant that Beowulf had been slain- and so, struck with great despair and certain that there would be no dawn for the Danish people, the danes all left to die in Heorot that night. They thought for certain that the terrible mother of Grendel would meet them again that night and murder them all. The Geatish men, who came with Beowulf stayed by the pool. They had no hope for their leader, they were certain he was dead. But they stayed to see him again, though not alive. Under water, Beowulf was busy with the body of Grendel- he lopped off the deamon's head and stuck it on a spear. The acrid blood of the monster melted the blade of the sword, and only the hilt remained. So Beowulf took the hilt and the spear and head and swam back toward the surface. It took him a long time, and he was battered by creatures in the water- though when the blood of Grendel was dispersed in the water they all died. Finally, after what seemed like an age, Beowulf emerged from the water, carrying grendel's head with him. his men were overjoyed, and helped him loosen his armor. Then, joyfully, and with four men carrying grendel's head, they made a fast pace back toward Heorot where the men were all waiting for death. Beowulf and his men entered the hall as if they were the son's of the king- and Beowulf, still dripping and dirty from the battle, presented the king with the head of the monster. He was given a great many treasures, and great honor. Soon after, he returned home- but not before saying goodbye to King Hrothgar, who was greatly grieved at their parting- he knew that they would never meet again.
That is the first and second parts. I'm not going into the dragon- that would take forever.
Now, here's the thing. I love Beowulf! He was such a nice fellow- maybe not the most humble all the time, but he was definitely solid, and a good leader. It's probably rediculous, but my favorite mental picture of Beowulf is him walking back into Heorot after the bout with Grendel's Mother. Sopping wet, muddy, but grinning like a fool and all "Hey y'all- Didja wait dinner on me?"

Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus

This is the 7th of January- and today has been flatly awesome. I like, seriously have no words for everything that has happened today! We'll start off with the mundane and move to the miraculous, how about that?
So today was the first day of classes in the Spring Semester- my last semester for my Associates in Fine Arts - Art. Yes, I will [if God so wills] soon be a college grad! I'm so excited! But anyway. British Lit is the only class I have to take this semester, and we're starting off the semester in Beowulf! I'm so excited! I LOVE Beowulf!!! I really hadn't expected to get to do Beowulf, it seemed to good to be true. There's the mundane.
Now, Regarding the miraculous- I'm fully funded for my trip to East Asia! I can't but hardly believe it! I don't know why I'm so surprised- really, I don't. I knew God would come through- I KNEW IT! I always said it, I've been praying for it, I've been telling everyone "God will provide!" -but I never expected his providence to be so soon or so full and so sweet! I'd almost expected it to be a last minute rescue from the jaws of defeat on the 30th or the 31st of this month- not on the 7th!!! I'm completely floored! I mean, this is beyond everything that I'd ever expected! I prayed that God would provide, and while praying I told God that I knew he was going to completely blow my mind with the way he was going to provide- He's amazing at doing things that I didn't expect- and I totally didn't expect this! I've never felt so much like a daughter at a surprise party, whose dad just rolled out the best present ever! I mean, WOW! No way could I have done this. God is SO good.
This, of course, leads me to a different thought: It's easy to praise God when things are good- Would I still have praised Him if he didn't come through? Truth be told, I often have problems with just Praising God when times are good. It's a matter of surrender. When I said on the first that I surrendered again, I literally did. When I'm not surrendered I am actively hiding from God, I understand that. I think that's something that everyone does.
Will I praise Him in the bad times too? Will I praise him when it gets tough? Well, I hope so. I would be a horrible prophet- my foresight is pathetic. Right now, I think I could praise him in the bad times- because I'm already focused and ready. If I let myself get caught off guard it would be more difficult. If I go back to passive living it would be more difficult. ...But generally, over my life, it has been in the bad times that I've turned back to God, and so it's been in the bad times that I've praised him most. I'm pathetic, but that's the way I am. This is more surprising to me: that I correctly responded in my praise this time.
Trusting in Jesus is the sweetest of all things. He's good, and most worthy of praise.

Penguins, Post-it notes, Paperclips, World Domination

I totally went out to lunch with a friend today. It was totally awesome! ...Actually, I'm almost not sure how that happened- but I'm really glad it did.
So, over the last couple of days, a friend of mine named Dakota has been coming to the coffee shop while I've been working. It's been nice to be able to catch up and talk and enjoy good conversation. I kept getting tongue tied, but that's beside the point... kind of... Anyway- So the other day I got a text from his mom asking if he could call me (she said he was too shy to ask) and I said sure. Well, he showed up at the coffee shop and we chatted. I forgot to start my closing procedure on time, so it took me longer to close than usual... Melody noticed. She laughed at me and asked what his name was. I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about at first, then she said "The cute guy you were talking to all night, did ya get his number?" She was being serious, not mean. I blushed bright red and explained that he was a friend of mine, and his name was Dakota. Melody giggled and said she liked him. So Thursday dad is picking on me because "some guy called me and asked if it was alright if he asked my daughter out." Dad thought it was cute. I'm over here trying to keep my cool, and dad is picking on me, and I'm going "Dude, maybe he will ask me out."
Well, obviously he did. :D We found out that we are both completely indecisive. I'm cool with that. Just means we won't get anything accomplished unless it's very important. Basically, he showed up today and we went to Cracker barrel, I had a hard time figuring out how to eat a chicken BLT, we talked about school, and his summer job, and how I was planning on taking over the world with the assistance of a Penguin army and post-it notes (Yeah, Dakota is the friend who is the hero that is trying to foil my world domination schemes that was mentioned in a previous post)
After cracker barrel we went to Melody's and got coffees, then we went and walked on the Greenway for a while. :) I'm pleased to say that I've not scared him off yet, even talking about weaponry and marksmanship. I'm impressed. Most people decide that I'd be an excellent hit-man and walk off quietly hoping to escape notice. I mean, seriously, my sunday school class has decided I'm the most dangerous of the whole group. they're like "Woah- she likes shooting. Dangerous!" Dakota was more to the effect of "Okay, she likes shooting- she's got .22 federal shells in a hat. Interesting!" I don't think the swords scared him either. I'm impressed, really, I am. I feel like I can be goofy around him, but serious too. Some people I can't be serious around, some I can't be goofy around. I feel pretty safe with Dakota though. I don't think I scared him off with my goofy/nerdy/dangerous side (hope I didn't scare him off). ...so yeah, I had lunch with a friend. It was great! :) :D ...and I'm using Emoticons on my blog. I swore I'd never do that... but I can't think of a way to express this otherwise. *doh*

God's Way or Bust

So, what's up with the title? I just got the most profound news ever! It's not going to make sense without a little bit of background, so I'll give that to you first.
My last post was about the New year and the new thesis statement for my blog here. I said a great deal about remembering how sweet life was, and how sweet it was to be in God's will. I prayed on the last day of last year that God would make me trust him, that he would steal my heart back and make it his own. I prayed that he'd take me out of my comfort zone and change the way I thought, to put me in a hard situation so I had to lean on him so I could remember how. It's a dreadful prayer to pray. The way that shepherds would teach sheep to stay near them was by breaking their legs and carrying the sheep wherever they went. By the time the leg healed, the sheep would be so accustomed to the shepherd and so dependent on him that the sheep couldn't bear to be separated from the shepherd. As the sheep, I think I'd be okay with a broke leg- I finally came to the point where I realized that I needed him more than my mobility. So, surrendering life and limb to the one who had my best interests in mind, I prayed that God would put me in a hard place so I had no choice but to trust him.
Guess what? He answered. He answered in the sweetest way! I knew he would, I staked a lot on it.
I have known for a while that I'm called to some form of Missions work, but I've also been running from that call. Sunday I surrendered again, and Monday I prayed that God would show me what he wanted me to do and give me a way to do it. Yesterday night I got a text while I was coming home from work, a text that read 'Hey Tristany, J and I were wondering if you were at all interesting in going to East Asia with us in March? It's a ten day missions trip around easter- it's going to be about $1900 dollars.' Me? Go to East Asia? On mission? It's at once God putting me back where he wants me, and me going someplace I've always dreamed of going. I was uncertain at first, but it was too perfect for God to not have orchestrated it- So I said I was interested and tonight I went to the information meeting after church. I only just got home- and there is NO WAY I'm going to be able to do this on my own. For instance: the price is $1900- which is four hundred more than I've ever raised for missions- and I have to have it all in by February 1st. I have thirty days (more or less) to raise $1900 dollars. I've never heard of that happening that fast. I'm not sure how to even start raising funds- but I do know- I KNOW- that God is telling me that I'm supposed to go to East Asia, that this trip is My trip, and I've been called to go. So I am totally going, and God is totally going to provide. Trust God? I have to- there's no way this going to happen unless he does it. I don't even have time to send out support letters- those generally take a month to be effective [or they have in my case].
I don't know HOW God is going to do this, but I know he is going to do it. I'm prepared to wait until the very last day, I'm prepared to pray until the last moment. God ALWAYS comes through, and ALWAYS in his perfect time. So, I'm going to annoy all my facebook friends and tell them "I am going to East Asia! God just has to raise the funds!" And God will come through. He has to- I have no second plan. Either God will provide for this, or I will not go. If God really did say that I needed to go, and I believe He did, then he will provide. I have no idea how he's going to do it, but I know he will- and he will be glorified through it!

#Purplebuddy 2013

On September 16th of 2012 I started a personal blog. It was one of many, by no means the first- Actually, I had one under my real name [which I never kept up on], one under a pseudonym [which I did keep up on], and another that was a group project about a zombie apocalypse survival guide.
I started this blog for a couple reasons; though the main reason that I started it was because I needed someplace to put my thoughts in order and have them accessible from other areas- and I also said it was nice to imagine someone else listening. Well, new year, I suppose that means we're going to get a new purpose statement, (a new thesis?)
Yes, this blog shall no longer be about randomly putting thoughts down- though the thoughts will remain sparse and random. This blog shall hence-forth be a chronicle of my days, and a part of my family's web of Blogs to keep people update. Mom has a blog now, Trillian and Nate have a blog now, and adding mine to the trio we're going to have a way to keep up with people without demanding to be in real-time. This will be useful, as Trillian is soon going to be moved to Monterrey and mom and them are soon going to be living in Thailand. So, re-purposed as it is, this blog is going to get a bit of a facelift over the next week or so.

Also to do with #Purplebuddy'13, I've been reading through my posts, and while they are all accurate to my emotions and outlooks, I've realized that I'm rather a bore. I mean, I've done a lot of railing against Egypt's proverbial first-born here. I guess I should apologize for that. Part of me wants to go back and delete those posts, but the general attitude of the whole blog is still stressed out/emotional/frustrated. I think I promised in my first entry that I wasn't going to be an Emo Chick wailing that life sucked. I think I might have failed in that endeavor. I think I even requested that someone should shoot me once. Wow, was I stressed out? I guess I was. I didn't handle it very well considering.

I love new years. I love sunrises too. I love changing dates and new things. I think I forgot that in the craziness of everything that was going on last semester. I was so focused on the things that were going on that I forgot how much I love life. It's amazing really how quickly fear will make you loose your focus on the things you find most beautiful. It's also amazing how the things you think are beautiful can come back into focus when you take a step back.
We're still in a real transition phase right now. Trillian is up north on her 'honeymoon' with Nate, and I'm getting used to having my room to myself. It's lonely, but it's not a despairing lonely. It's not a cold isolated lonely. My last post ended with me admitting how I was nervous about going to my own classes Christmas party, and me admitting that I didn't know why. In hindsight, I think it was because I'm still not sure about my identity without my family. Or I wasn't just then. I think I've got this more figured out now. I know, it's not been that long since my last update, and I've discovered the meaning of life in that time. Actually, I haven't. But I did rediscover how sweet life is.
What brought all this on? Well, I've discovered that I've got more friends than I ever gave myself credit for, and I've discovered that there is incredible rest in trusting God, and not running from your calling.